Saturday, October 31, 2020

Zoey 101 - Son Of A Dean Transcript


***





Opening Credits


***



Outside Pacific Coast Academy.

Zoey, Quinn, and Lola are walking.

Quinn is brushing Zoey's hair. Lola is painting Zoey's nails.

Quinn: Slow down!

Lola: And hold your wrist still.

Zoey: Will you guys stop already?

Quinn: No. Not really.

Zoey: What's the matter with you two? It's just a date.

Quinn: With the son of Dean Rivers!

Lola: Which means you need the right bracelet.

Quinn: And properly brushed hair.

Zoey: Yeah, we don't want him to look at me and throw up.

The girls stop walking so Lola could talk to Zoey.

Lola: Listen, woman. Third dates are extremely important.

Quinn: Yeah!

Lola: See, on the first date, a guy and a girl are just checking each other out.

Quinn: And second dates are like a compatibility test. To see whether you guys get along.

Lola: But the third date is the real turning point.

Quinn: (brushes Zoey's hair) It's when he decides whether you're girlfriend material...

Lola: Or the dreaded just friends.

Zoey: God forbid. (scoffs)

Zoey, Quinn, and Lola stop walking.

They hear girls squealing. 

A stand with a sign reading "Beaches & Cream" is there. Students are signing up for a contest.

Quinn: What's going on over there?

Lola: Ooh, the contest!

Zoey: We have to sign up.

Quinn: What contest?

Zoey: You know that movie they filmed here last summer? 

Lola: "Beaches & Cream"?

Quinn: Yeah.

Lola: Well, as a promotional thing, they gave Dean Rivers one free ticket to raffle off.

Zoey: And whoever wins gets to go to the premiere in L.A.!

Lola: You get picked in a limo and everything! Come on. Let's go sign up!

Zoey and Lola try to run, but Quinn stops them.

Quinn: Why? If there's only one ticket, and figure, 85% of all PCA students enter the raffle, the statistical odds of winning are less than 1 in--

Zoey and Lola run to sign up for the contest.

Quinn: Wait! I wanna enter!

Quinn runs to the stand to catch up to Zoey and Lola.

Quinn: Guys! Wait up! I have dreams!

***

Maxwell Hall, Logan's room.

Logan is dancing in front of a camera.

Chase walks in, confused. He turns to the TV and notices Logan's dancing.

Chase: Should I even ask?

Logan: I'm making a video of me dancing.

Chase: Yeah, that part I figured out. The, uh, burning question would be, why?

Logan: To give that to girls here at PCA.

Chase: Okay. Why?

Logan: So they could take it home, play it on their TVs and then, pretend they're dancing with me.

Michael runs inside.

Michael: Hey.

Michael's face turns to confusion.

Michael: What is he--

Chase: You don't wanna know.

Logan buttons off his denim vest.

Michael: Did you see the email we got?

Chase: What email?

Michael hands Chase his Tekmate.

Michael: Check it out!

Chase opens the email.

Chase: Hey, it's from the head guy at ToonJuice.

Michael: Read it!

Chase: (reads) "Chase and Michael. Da, da, da, da, da. Your cartoon has got more than 20.000 views this month!" Ooh, that's good, right?

Michael: Yeah, it's good! Keep goin'!

Chase: (continues reading) "Da, da, da, da, da, which is why we'd like you to produce 26 more episodes by the end of next month"!

Michael: Our toon's an online hit!

Chase: 26 episodes?

Michael: Yeah!

Chase: How are we gonna think of and make another 26 cartoons in 7 weeks? It took us a whole week to make the first one.

(SFX: Beep.)

Logan takes out a lasso and does country western style dancing in front of his camera.

Logan: Some PCA girls are from Texas!

Chase and Michael look at Logan, confused.

Logan: (swirls his lasso) Yeah! Whoo!

***

Outside Pacific Coast Academy.

Lola: I really, really, really hope I win!

Quinn: It's gonna be, like a real big Hollywood premiere, right?

Lola: Yes, but you're not gonna win, 'cause it's my destiny to win.

Zoey: Your destiny?

Lola: I'm gonna be a huge movie star one day, so going to this premiere will be extra practice for me.

Quinn puts her hand on Zoey's shoulder.

Quinn: If only she had a little more self-confidence.

Lola: So, what time did they say I'm supposed to meet you here?

Zoey checks her watch.

Zoey: Um, I think now, but my watch might be running a couple of--

Quinn sprays a perfume in Zoey's face.

Zoey: What?! Are you trying to exterminate me?!

Quinn: It's an awesome French perfume, called Jambon.

Quinn sprays the perfume in Zoey's face.

Zoey: Quinn, I don't wanna be sprayed with--!

Zoey knocks the perfume off Quinn's hand. The perfume bottle lands on the ground.

Quinn puts something in her backpack. She drops her backpack.

As Quinn was reaching down to get her backpack, her back cracks.

Quinn: Ow! Ow!

Lola: What?

Quinn: It's my back again!

Zoey: Can you stand up straight? 

Quinn tries to stand up, but fails.

Quinn: No, no! The answer would be no.

A boy named Lance walks up to the girls.

Lance: Hey, Zoey.

Zoey: Hi, Lance.

Zoey walks up to Lance and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Zoey: This is Lola and that's Quinn.

Lance: Hi and... hi.

Quinn: Hello. Nice shoes.

Lance: Uh, why is she...?

Zoey: She has a bad back.

Lola: It's happened before.

Quinn: It's not my back's fault! My mattress is all lumpy and worn out.

Lola: Like Ms. Conray in the cafeteria.

Lance: Well, why don't you just call the housing office and tell 'em to send you a new mattress?

Quinn: I did. It's like a two month wait.

Zoey: She'll be fine. Come on, let's go.

Lance: Okay. Nice meeting you.

Lola: Bye.

Quinn: Okay, Lola. You're gonna have to help me back to the dorm. Uh, if you could pick me up, and, sorta like a fireman's carry. Or, uh, we could do like a piggyback type thing, that'd be easier. Uh, just lean over, and I'll--

Quinn turns to notice Lola is gone.

Quinn: Lola? Lola?

***

Maxwell Hall, boys' dorm.

Chase and Michael are on the computer while Logan is sleeping.

Michael drinks from his water bottle.

Michael: Okay, okay. How about this? Your character and my character, are dolphins in the ocean. And we're being chased by,

Friday, October 30, 2020

Big Time Rush - Big Time Halloween Transcript

Palm Woods hotel.


Lobby.

A vampire's hand rings the bell. Mr. Bitters appears as a ghost.

Mr. Bitters: Welcome to Palm Woodsylvania. A hallow-eared world where humans and monsters live side-by side.


Corridor.

Carlos, who is seen as a Frankenstein monster, walks to Jo Taylor, a girl with blonde hair.

Franken-Carlos: (grunting)

Jo: That's great. I will be there.

Franken-Carlos: (happy grunting)


Pool area.

Mr. Bitters appears.

Mr. Bitters: A place where zombies would rather greet you, than eat you.


A zombie Logan greets Guitar Dude, a long-haired boy with glasses. He raises his arm up to give him a high-five.

Logan: Guitar Dude! Up high!

As soon as Guitar Dude gives Logan a high-five, his arm falls off.

Guitar Dude: Oh, sorry, Logan, zombie dude.

Logan snatches the arm from Guitar Dude.

Logan: Oh, give it to me.


Pool area, lounge chairs.

Mr. Bitters appears.

Mr. Bitters: Here, you'll see vampires glimmering by our pool.

A vampire James takes off his shirt and his torso shines so bright that the girls that were looking at him shield their eyes.

James: Don't be afraid, ladies. I don't bite. 

James smiles and shows off his fangs.


The Knights' room.

Mr. Bitters appears.

Mr. Bitters: So, enjoy your stay. You're sure to have a howling good time. (laughs evilly)

Kendall runs into Mr. Bitters and he disappears. Kendall looks out the window.

Kendall's mom Jennifer and his little sister Katie, seen as witches, are checking up on Kendall.

Jennifer: Why do you keep looking out the window?

Kendall: Just checking how long before... you know!

Katie: What's the big deal?

Katie fishes out a squealing rat and throws it inside the cauldron.

Kendall: The big deal is Jo's coming up and I sorta never told her I'm a werewolf.

Jennifer: What? How have you kept it from her this long?

Katie throws a spider into the boiling cauldron.

Kendall: Same way I'm going that I'm going to do tonight. (coughs) I'll say that I'm sick... (normal voice) or that you grounded me.

(doorbell rings)

Kendall: And don't say anything about the big Halloween Night of Fright party we're singing at tonight.

Kendall opens the door.

Jo: Hey, I ran into Franken-Carlos and he invited me to the big Halloween Night of Fright party you're singing at tonight.

Kendall, Jennifer and Katie exchange awkward looks.

Kendall: Great!







***





Opening Credits


***




Palm Woods hotel.

Knights' room.

Jo: Hey, did you know it's a full moon tonight?

Kendall: Really? I didn't know that!

Jo: Big party, full moon, our first Halloween together. It's gonna be an unforgettable night.

Katie: Oh, you have no idea.

Kendall: Hey!

Kendall points to Jennifer and Katie. He notices hair on his hand and gasps.

Kendall turns back to Jo and laughs awkwardly.

Jo: So, you still up for a little fun in the Palm Woods cemetary?

Kendall: How about I meet you there in 15 minutes?

Jo: I'll see you there.

Kendall closes the door.

Kendall: Help me! Help me, help me. Use your wand and help me.

Jennifer waves her wand and stops.

Jennifer: Tell Jo the truth!

Kendall: No, because Jo is a normal, and normals don't usually date snarling, hairy dog beasts.

Katie: You forgot smelly and drool-y.

Kendall: Just poof me up a razor.

Jennifer waves her wand and a razor appears in Kendall's hand.

Kendall uses the razor to shave his hand.

James, Franken-Carlos, and Logan walk in.

James: New hot girl is mine. I saw her first, I'm a hot vampire, I WILL BITE YOU!

Franken-Carlos: (grunting)

James, Franken-Carlos, and Logan turn to Kendall.

Franken-Carlos: (grunting)

Logan: Hey, Teen Wolf. Wanna practice our dance moves for tonight?

Kendall: Can't. Gotta shave up my arms to meet up with Jo.

James: All right. you're gonna look like a real idiot when you can't do this.

James, Franken-Carlos, and Logan dance.

As they struck their ending pose, Logan's arm falls off and lands in the cauldron.

Logan: Aah!

Katie: Ooh, that'll add some flavor. (uses Logan's arm to stir the boiling liquid)

Logan: No!

Logan runs to get his arm. He reattaches it.

Logan: No, no, no, no! You can't use Righty for one of your... smelly witch potions.

Jennifer: For your information, we are making a cake.

(SFX: Thunder crashing.)

***

Rocque Records building.

Dr. Rocquenstein (Gustavo) shouts offscreen.

Dr. Rocquenstein: It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!!!!!

Kelly walks in.

Kelly: You created another singing monster, Dr. Rocquenstein?

Dr. Rocquenstein: No. It's a live album from BTR.

Kelly: Oh, nice.

Dr. Rocquenstein: I'm putting them in the goodie bags for Griffin's Big Night of Fright tonight.

Griffin, seen in a red suit appears along with his two assistants.

Griffin: Hail, me.

Dr. Rocquenstein screams.

Dr. Rocquenstein: What now, Griffin? The goodie bags are almost done and my monster band is ready to rock your party tonight.

Griffin: Yes, about that. New research shows that the monster band is dead.

Male assistant shows a binder labeled "RCM CBT GlobalNet Sanyoid Monster Band Research File" and throws it to Dr. Rocquenstein.

Griffin takes out an album from one of the goodie bags.

Griffin: In fact, the only one that's popping is Kendall, because he looks normal on the album cover.

Kelly puts down the binder.

Kelly: Yeah. Until there's a full moon, then he's a shag carpet with paws.

Griffin: Well, make them normals. Because my annual Big Night of Fright party is going to be full of board members and stockholders. And they and I want Big Time Rush to be a hot boy band, not a has-been monster band.

Dr. Rocquenstein: That's four hours from now! That's impossible!

Griffin: Tonight's a big night for me, Gustavo. So don't let me down. Or else.

Dr. Rocquenstein: "Or else" what?

Griffin flicks his hand.

Dr. Rocquenstein is shrunken down as Griffin tries to step on him.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Aah! Aah!!

Kelly gives Griffin a smirk.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Okay, okay! Fine! Kelly, get Franken-Carlos down here. We have got some experimenting to do.

Griffin and the assistants take a step back. Griffin flicks his hands and he and the assistants disappear.

***

Palm Woods hotel, lobby.

Logan, Franken-Carlos, and James are walking. Franken-Carlos checks his phone.

Franken-Carlos: (grunting)

Logan: Well, I'm coming, too. Maybe Doc Rocque can keep me from falling apart.

Logan's arm falls off and lands on the floor.

(SFX: Werewolf howling)

James: Aah!

Franken-Carlos: (grunt)

Logan: See? You okay, Righty?

Logan's right arm makes a thumbs-up.

Logan throws a thumbs-up back.

Franken-Carlos: Hey.

James: There she is.

A girl with a ponytail named Muffy waves as she walks by.

Logan and Franken-Carlos all exclaim in awe.

Franken-Carlos tries to walk up, but James stops him.

James: No, no, flathead. She's mine.

Logan and Franken-Carlos high-five each other.

Lightning, a dog wearing sunglasses runs up to Logan's fallen arm and takes it along.

Logan: Whoa! Lightning, drop it! That's my bone, not yours!


Pool area.

James finds Muffy sitting at a table. He sits with her.

James: Excuse me, but, are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see.

Muffy giggles, then scoffs. She turns to the other side, but she is met by James again.

James: I'm James. I'm in a band.

Muffy: I'm Muffy. I'm not interested.

James: That's because you don't know me yet. I like long walks on the beach and taking gorgeous girls like you out for a quick bite. 

Muffy: On second thought, you know, you're just the type of guy I've been looking for. 

James: Really? I mean, of course I am.

***

Palm Woods hotel, corridor.

Logan is tugging on his right arm to get it back from Lightning the dog.

Logan: Release, Lightning! You are disrespecting personal property!

Logan tugs on the arm until it got released from Lightning's mouth.

Logan: (laughs) Zombies rule, doggies drool!

Lightning growls and bites on Logan's toe.

Logan: Whoa, Lightning! That's my foot!

Lightning runs away with Logan's foot.

Logan: That is so not cool!

Logan holds his arm.

Logan: Let's get him.

Logan's arm makes a thumbs-up.

***

Cemetery.

Jo and Kendall get ready for their picnic.

Jo: So, I'm really looking forward to watching you sing tonight.

A full moon peeks out from the clouds.

Kendall: Yeah. about that...

Kendall looks at his hand and notices it all furry and claws had grown out. He screams and hides it.

Jo: You okay?

Kendall: Jo, there's something I have to tell you.

Jo: What's the thing?

Kendall: I'm, a were...

Jo looks confused.

Kendall: I'm aware, that the party concert thing is totally gonna stink tonight and you should totally skip it.

Jo looks confused.

Kendall: Totally skip it.

Jo: You don't want me to go?

Kendall: No, it's not that I don't want you to go, it's just that...

The full moon rises from the cloud.

Kendall: (howls)

Jo looks confused.

Kendall: We're gonna have a lot of fun.

(SFX: Dog barking)

Lightning the dog runs off with Logan's foot. Logan hops as he chases after Lightning.

Logan: Heel! Give me back my heel!

Kendall: Oh. I should go help Logan now.

Kendall runs on all fours.

***

Rocque Records office.

Dr. Rocquenstein unveils a machine to Kelly.

Dr. Rocquenstein: I call it, the Hot Boy Band Machine.

Dr. Rocquenstein shows Kelly the machine.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Monster boys go in, their DNA is scrambled, then handsome eyes, and voila! Hot singing normal boys come out.

Kelly: And you made this in an hour? Are you sure it works?

Dr. Rocquenstein: I'm sure I have no idea! That's why Franken-Carlos is here to test it out!

Franken-Carlos tries to enter, but is blocked by the doors. Kelly opens the door for him.

Franken-Carlos: (grunts)

Franken-Carlos walks up to the machine.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Okay, Franken-Carlos. Time to play in the pretty funhouse!

Dr. Rocquenstein presses a button. The door on the machine opens and fog starts to come out. Franken-Carlos screams.

Kelly holds up two corn dogs.

Kelly: Get the corn dogs, Franken-Carlos! Get 'em!

Kelly throws the corn dogs into the machine.

Franken-Carlos: Corn dog.

Franken-Carlos runs into the machine.

Kelly: Now!

Dr. Rocquenstein presses a button. The door on the machine closes. Franken-Carlos screams.

Dr. Rocquenstein: I give you...

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever.

Dr. Rocquenstein: HOT SINGING NORMAL BOY!!!!

Kelly shields her eyes. The lights start flickering.

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever down. The machine powers down. The machine door opens and fog comes out. 

Suddenly, Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly notice a rabbit coming out of the machine.

Kelly: Well, he's cute, but not a boy. 

Dr. Rocquenstein: I know that.

Rabbit: (singing) I wanna be famous...

Dr. Rocquenstein: Sings good though. Try again! 

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever. The lights start flickering.

Cut to exterior: Rocque Records building. (SFX: Dr. Rocquenstein laughing evilly.)

***

Fancy restaurant. 

James and Muffy sit and chat.

James: That is so crazy. I'm allergic to grape jelly too.

Muffy: And the dumbest pasta shape ever! 

James and Muffy: Bow tie! 

James and Muffy laugh together.

Muffy: You know, I have to say, this has been a really great dinner. 

James: We haven't even had dessert. 

Muffy gets up from her chair and strikes a dancing pose.

Muffy: Would you care to dance? 

James: I prefer... 

James gets up from his chair and takes out the rose from the tabletop vase.

James: Tango.

Muffy: Isn't that dancing? 

James and Muffy dance the tango. As James lowers his head to bite Muffy's neck, Muffy steps away from James and she takes out a stake while James sits in a chair.

James: You wouldn't happen to have that for gardening purposes, would you? 

Muffy: Try vampire-slaying purposes. 

As Muffy was about to stab James with the stake, she misses and stabs James' chair.

James: I am seriously considering about not asking you out again. 

James screams and runs away.

Muffy takes her stake out from James' chair. She chases after him.

***

Rocque Records office.

Kendall and Logan run in.

Kendall: Doc Rocque. You have to help me. I need to be turned into a normal for the concert. No more werewolf. 

Logan: I need a new foot. 

Dr. Rocquenstein: I got you covered. Because of my new Hot Boy Band Machine, you will no longer be monsters for Griffin's big night of fright. Observe, new normal Carlos. I hope. 

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever. The lights start flickering. Kendall, Logan, and Kelly shield their eyes.

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever down. The machine powers down. The machine door opens and fog comes out. 

A pageant queen wearing an orange dress comes out and waves.

Kendall and Logan: (in awe) Whoa! Who is that? 

Kelly: It's Carlos! 

Kendall and Logan: No!

Pageant queen: (grunts in a manner similar to Franken-Carlos)

Kelly pushes the pageant queen back in the machine. The doors on the machine close.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Okay. Too much pageant queen. All right. Now, we press the red button and more Y chromosome. 

Kelly presses a button on the machine.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Yee-haw! 

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever. The lights start flickering. Kendall, Logan, and Kelly shield their eyes.

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever down. The machine powers down. The machine door opens and fog comes out. 

Brobee from "Yo Gabba Gabba!" comes out.

Kendall and Logan: Uh, too much Gabba Gabba. 

Kelly: (baby talk) Back inside! Oh, yes. Okay. 

Kelly pushes Brobee back in the machine. The doors on the machine close.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Okay, we're gonna pull back on the striped fur. Shorten the arms and add SUPER POWERFUL VOICE! Argh!

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever harder. The lights start flickering and the room shakes. Kendall, Logan, and Kelly shield their eyes.

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever down. The machine powers down. The machine door opens and fog comes out. 

An angry Franken-Carlos comes out, roaring.

Franken-Carlos unplugs the keyboard from the machine.

Franken-Carlos: Machine! 

Franken-Carlos turns to Kendall and Logan.

Franken-Carlos: CARLOS SMASH!!! 

Franken-Carlos runs into Kendall and Logan.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Too much power. 

Kelly: But his diction has improved. 

Franken-Carlos smashes through the door, roaring. He runs out of the building and smashes furniture and decor.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Okay! Who's next?

Kendall: I think I'm going to pass. 

Logan: Yeah. Big pass here.


***

Palm Woods hotel.

Kendall is hiding his face in a newspaper. He walks to the elevator and is met by Jo coming out.

Jo: There you are! You never came back to the picnic. 

Kendall: Well, you know what they say. Whoops! Gotta go, bye! 

Kendall goes inside the elevator and closes the doors.

Jo: Wait. What time are you going to pick me up for the... 

Jo is cut off by the elevator doors closing.

Guitar Dude: What's up, Jo? 

Jo: I think Kendall just blew me off. 

Guitar Dude: Oh, bummer! 

Franken-Carlos rampages in and wreaks havoc.

Franken-Carlos: Carlos smash! 

Franken-Carlos lunges and throws two boys on the ground. The boys leave, screaming.

Franken-Carlos: Carlos smash again!

Franken-Carlos throws a table on the ground.

Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly run in, holding corn dogs.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Here, Mega Franken-Carlos! Here, boy! 

Kelly: We have corn dogs! 

Dr. Rocquenstein: Where is he?! 

Kelly: Something tells me that we should go that way. 

Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly notice a human-shaped hole in a door. They run through the hole.

Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly: Mega Franken-Carlos!

***

Palm Woods pool.

James jumps over a table so he could run from Muffy.

Muffy: James! 

James spots a water bottle. He runs to the table and takes a tree out of a pot and takes the pot and the water bottle.

Muffy jumps over, holding two stakes. She scours the pool. James stands on top of a bucket and shoots water from his mouth, as if he were a fountain. Muffy turns to James.

Muffy: Seriously? You'd thought I'd believe you were a fountain?

James: Oh, what? You don't like fountains? 

Muffy: No, I love fountains. And sandwich cookies and fuzzy bunny slippers, and slaying vampires.

James: Oh, I love all those things, too! Except for the last one.

James squirts water at Muffy.

James: Bye! 

James runs away.

Muffy: Okay, that was rude!

James: Saving my life here!

Muffy runs with her stakes.

***

Palm Woods lobby.

Logan is talking to his right arm.

Logan: Okay, Righty, let's get down to business.

Logan brings out a whiteboard.

Logan: It's time to trap Lightning and get my foot back!

Righty gives Logan a thumbs up.

Logan: Observe. Lightning enters the lobby and sees a tasty arm. That's you!

Righty gives Logan an "A-OK" sign.

Logan: He drops his foot, goes for tasty arm but before he gets there, the white doves fly, triggering a counterbalance and drops the cage on said stupid mutt.

Logan pushes the whiteboard away, only to be met by Lightning growling and barking at him.

Logan: Lightning! I was totally kidding about that stupid mutt thing. 

Lightning jumps on Logan and attacks him.

Logan: Lightning! That's my arm! Where are my limbs? Aah!

***

Alley.

Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly run, looking for Franken-Carlos.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Well, my Hot Boy Band Machine doesn't make great boy bands but it does make great scary monsters. 

Kelly: Which means we need to find Franken-Carlos and tranquilize him before an angry mob tears him apart. 

Franken-Carlos gets chased by an angry mob.

Kelly: Too late. 

Dr. Rocquenstein: New plan! You save Franken-Carlos and get the rest of the Big Time Monsters and get them back to my lab. 

Kelly: How? 

Dr. Rocquenstein: I don't know. Meanwhile, I'll fix the Hot Boy Band Machine so they can perform at Griffin's party tonight. 

Kelly: How? 

Dr. Rocquenstein: I don't know! 

Franken-Carlos gets chased by an angry mob. Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly run away.

***

Knights' room.

Kendall: Think she'll notice? 

Zoom out to Kendall's whole body. He is seen with a tattered shirt while half of his body is covered in hair.

Katie: Depends. Does she have eyes?

Kendall scratches himself.

Jennifer: Sweetheart! Stop! If a girl can't accept you for who you are, maybe she's not the girl for you. 

Kendall: Can't you just poof me normal? 

Katie: Can't we just poof up a cake? (hits snakes with a spatula) 

Jennifer: We can make a cake without magic. You need to tell Jo the truth, now. 

Kelly runs inside.

Kelly: Kendall! I need you to help me save Franken-Carlos from the angry mob.

Kendall: Hmm, tell Jo the truth, or face an angry mob? Let's go, Kelly.

Kendall runs out the door on all fours and follows Kelly.

Jennifer turns to Katie and gasps.

Katie is wrestling snakes into the cauldron.

Jennifer: We might've used too much snake tails.

Katie mashes the snakes into the cauldron and puts the lid on. She smiles.

***

Palm Woods, hallway.

Muffy pins James to the wall while holding her stake.

James: A vampire and a vampire slayer walk into a restaurant.

James pins Muffy to the wall.

Muffy: The waiter says, "What can I get you two?"

Muffy turns and pins James to the wall once more.

James: And the vampire says, "I'm just here for a quick bite."

James turns and pins Muffy to the wall once more.

Muffy: And the slayer says...

Muffy turns and pins James to the wall yet again.

Muffy: "You should really try the stake."

James: Time out. Wanna kiss?

Muffy: Yeah.

Muffy and James kiss.

James: Time in. Bye.

James runs away.

Muffy takes out two stakes and starts chasing.

***

Palm Woods lobby.

Lightning growls at Logan as he stands in front of his severed body parts. His severed head is on a seat.

Logan: What do you want? There's nothing left!

Lightning continues to growl.

Logan has a shocked expression on his face. 

Logan's right arm, which is settled on another seat, is squishing a ball, making a squeaking sound.

Lightning turns his head and whimpers.

Logan: Righty!

Logan's arm throws the ball and Lightning chases it.

Logan: Oh, good thinking, buddy.

Logan's arm makes a thumbs-up.

James runs in.

James: I need to not be a vampire (points to fangs) fast.

Logan: Gustavo's working on a machine that's supposed to make us all hot normals.

James: Let's roll.

As James is about to pick up Logan's head, he stops him.

Logan: Wait! I can't leave Righty.

James turns to the other seat.

A severed female arm wearing a ring slithers to Logan's arm.

Logan: Ooh.

Logan's arm and the female arm wave and hold hands.

James makes an "A-OK" sign.

Logan's arm and the female arm both wave to James before locking hands.

Logan: Never mind. Okay, let's head out.

James picks up Logan's head and carries it in his arms. They both run out.

***

Alley.

Franken-Carlos is met with the angry mob. The angry mob pulls out their stakes and torches.

Franken-Carlos: (scared grunting) Fire bad! 

Man: He ate my sandwich! (shows a sandwich with a bite taken out of it)

Woman: He trashed my car!

The angry mob screams.

Kendall, now in his full werewolf form, jumps out and roars. The angry mob runs away.

Franken-Carlos happily grunts and turns to Kendall.

Franken-Carlos: Kendall save Carlos. Kendall good friend. (pats Kendall's head)

Kelly walks in and hugs Kendall.

Kelly: Oh, and Kelly love that Kendall is a werewolf.

Kendall: You know what? So do I. And that's why I'm gonna tell Jo that this is who I am.

Kelly: Yeah, there's no time. We've gotta get back to the studio.

Kendall: No. This is something I have to do.

Kendall walks out.

Franken-Carlos: (grunting)

Kelly: And this is something I have to do.

Kelly fires a tranquilizer gun at Kendall.

Kendall: (baby talk) Nappy time.

Kendall falls down.

Kelly: Quick! Help me drag him back to the studio.

Franken-Carlos: What about Kendall girlfriend?

Kelly: Just text her and say something suddenly came up. (throws Kendall's phone to Franken-Carlos) She'll be fine. Hurry up!

Franken-Carlos: (texts, grunts)

***

Palm Woods lobby.

Jo is sitting when her phone beeps. She notices it's an incoming text from Kendall. She takes out her phone and reads the text.

Jo: "Me Kendall. You go away... P.S. FIRE BAD"? He's breaking up with me in a text?

Jo gets up. Muffy runs in.

Muffy: Hey, have you seen a vampire? He's about, like, yea tall, really hot.

Jo: No, but I think I know where I can find him. And my boyfriend.

Muffy takes out a stake and hands the other stake to Jo. They walk out.

***

Rocque Records office.

Dr. Rocquenstein fixes the machine.

James runs in, carrying Logan's head.

James: Doc! You gotta make me normal. A vampire slayer's chasing me.

Logan: Ah, boo-hoo, okay? A hot girl's chasing you? I'm just a head!

Dr. Rocquenstein: Get in!

James and Logan run in the machine.

Kelly walks in, with Franken-Carlos carrying Kendall.

Kelly: We got Kendall!

Dr. Rocquenstein: And they gotta sing in 10 minutes!

Franken-Carlos walks in the machine, dropping Kendall.

Logan: What happened to Kendall?

Franken-Carlos: Kelly shoot him.

James and Logan: Oh.

Dr. Rocquenstein pushes a button. The door on the machine closes. 

Dr. Rocquenstein: Now, if I recalibrate the molecular levels to hotness, set the doohickey to schmiggle-schmazzle, cross the streams, and ADD perfect hair...

Muffy and Jo run in. Kelly points a tranquilizer gun at them.

Jo: Where's Kendall?

Muffy: Where's James?

Griffin appears.

Griffin: Where is my hot boy band?

Jo and Muffy turn to each other in confusion.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Press the button for dramatic mad scientist moment!

Kelly presses a button on the machine.

The lights start flickering. Dr. Rocquenstein laughs evilly as bolts of lightning shoot out of his hands. He pulls the lever. The room begins to shake violently.

Griffin admires a snake in a goodie bag.

Dr. Rocquenstein pulls the lever down. The machine powers down. The machine door opens and fog comes out. 

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan come out of the machine wearing normal clothing.

Logan: We have a body!

Kelly: Yes!

Dr. Rocquenstein laughs.

Logan spins.

Logan: And my limbs don't fall off!

James: I'm not a vampire anymore.

Carlos: And I'm not green! Whoa! And I can use pronouns!

Dr. Rocquenstein and Kelly fist-bump.

Kendall: And I'm not a were...

Jo looks at Kendall, convincingly.

Kendall: ...That you are here.

Jo: Oh. But you think that you can break up with me with a poorly-written text? P.S., I know fire is bad!

Kendall: I did not send that text. But I do have something to tell you.

Jo: What? That you're breaking up with me?

Griffin: Is this story going to take long? Because I kinda have a BIG night planned here.

Pause.

Kendall: Jo, I'm a werewolf.

Jo: Duh.

Kendall: Come again?

Jo: You think I didn't notice all the hair on your clothes, chasing cars when we're on dates, that weird marking your territory thing?

Kendall: Ahem... so, you're okay with this?

Jo: Why do you think I always bring a frisbee when we hang out?

Griffin uses telekinesis powers to bring Kendall and Jo close to each other. They hug.

Griffin: Very touching, but the last time I check, it's not Valentine's Day, it's Halloween. Now, you got rich people to impress.

All: Then let's party!

Griffin flicks his hands and everyone disappears.


***

Griffin's Big Night Of Fright party.


Performance.

Big Time Rush performs on the stage, singing their song "Big Night".

Cut to crowd.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to Jo and Muffy dancing in the audience.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to Dr. Rocquenstein looking at his watch while Kelly dances.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.


Table.

The severed female arm and a severed male arm jam out.


Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to audience dancing.

Cut to keyboardist.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.


Cut to Griffin and his assistants.


Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to audience dancing.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to James singing and pointing to Jo and Muffy.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.


Cut to man looking at a slimy green cake made with snakes and eyeballs.

Jennifer and Katie dance and convince the man, before he gets grossed out and runs away.


Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to audience dancing. Mr. Bitters dances along.


Table.

The severed arms hold phones and wave them.


Cut to shot of Jennifer and Katie's cake.

A woman walks by the table. She puts some baby carrots on her plate and walks away.

Jennifer and Katie turn to each other, confused.


Cut to Griffin and his assistants dancing.


Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Cut to keyboardist dancing.

Cut to Big Time Rush performing.

Performance ends.


Audience cheers.

Jo and Muffy applaud.

Griffin: You did it again, Gustavo. The boys were amazing. And the board members and investors love the goodie bags.

A man runs in as he is strangled by a large snake.

Griffin: Except for that guy.

(SFX: Werewolf howling)

Griffin pats Dr. Rocquenstein on the back and walks away.

Dr. Rocquenstein looks at his watch. 

Kelly: Why do you keep looking at your watch?

Dr. Rocquenstein: I only have enough power in my Hot Boy Band Machine for a temporary hot boy transformation.

Kelly: What does that mean?

Dr. Rocquenstein: Well...

Suddenly, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan transform back into monsters.

The audience gasps.

Dr. Rocquenstein: Yikes.

Muffy walks up to James. He waves at her.

James: Does this mean, we're back to the whole... 

Muffy takes out her stake.

Muffy: I'll give you a 5-second headstart. 

James: Thanks. 

Muffy starts chasing James.


Jo walks up to werewolf Kendall. She hands a drink to Kendall.

Jo: I think you look really cute as a werewolf. 

Kendall scratches his foot.

Kendall: Sorry.


Katie: Nobody even touched our cake.

Jennifer: Oh, fine, go ahead.

Katie waves her wand and the slimy cake turns into a nice-looking orange cake reading "Happy Halloween from Big Time Rush".


Pan out to the whole party.

Muffy still continues to chase James.

Muffy: James!








Big Time Rush © to Scott Fellows, Jack Mackie Pictures, Sony Music, Nickelodeon. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

iCarly - iGo One Direction Transcript

Bushwell Plaza, corridor leading to the Shays' apartment.

Spencer, who is wearing a sombrero is waiting for Carly.

Spencer: Carly, come on!


Carly, wearing a sombrero on her shoulder, shuffles sickly.


Carly: Ohhhh...

Carly sits on her luggage. She falls down and opens an apartment door.

Carly: Ah!

Carly quickly closes the door.

Spencer: How you doin'?

Carly: I'm sick and dying! Ugh.

Spencer: Maybe I should take you to a doctor.

Carly: No. No, just open our door so I could just go in there and just be alone.

Spencer: 'Kay.

Spencer opens the door to the Shays' apartment.


Shays' apartment.

Freddie and Gibby are playing a video game.

T-Bo is in a kiddie pool playing with toy boats.

Sam is grilling steaks.

Spencer: Hey!

Freddie: Hola!

Sam: Hey, guys.

T-Bo: Hi.

Carly: What is going on here?

Sam: I'm cookin' steaks.

Freddie: Playing video games.

T-Bo: I'm in a kiddie pool!

Gibby: Gib-behh.


Spencer: How long have you guys been hanging in our apartment?! 

Sam: Uh, how long have you guys been on vacation? 

Spencer: Eight days. 

Sam: 'Bout eight days. 

Carly: (groaning) Ohhhh...  

Carly hunches down.

Freddie: She okay? 

Spencer: No. She's like dying. 

Carly: Ohhhhhh. 

Sam: Gib, help her up. 

Gibby: Kay-kay. 

Carly: (groans) Ohhhh... Ohhhh... 

Gibby helps Carly up.

T-Bo: Man, she looks sicky-sick. 

Spencer: Yeah. She's got jungle worms. 

Gibby: Oh my God!

Gibby drops Carly.

Gibby: Oh my God. Oh my--oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God!

Gibby runs out the door.

Freddie: What are jungle worms? 

Sam: They're like these scuzzy little parasites that set up camp in your guts. 

Carly: Ohhhhhh... 

Spencer puts Carly down on the couch.

Spencer: How do you know about jungle worms? 

Sam: My mom got 'em from using some foreign guy's toothbrush. 

Carly coughs.

Freddie: So what are the symptoms? 

Spencer: Uhhh... Dry mouth... 

Carly: I'm so thirsty...

Spencer: Chills... 

Carly: Can someone cover me with a blanket? 

Spencer: Moaning... 

Carly: (moans) Ohhhhh... 

Spencer: Groaning... 

Carly: (groans) Ohhhhh... 

Spencer: And a lot of, y'know...uh... 

Carly runs to the bathroom and vomits.

Spencer: Vomiting. 

Freddie, Sam, T-Bo: Ewwww. 

Sam: Poor kid. 

Freddie: Yeah. One of us should probably get in there and help her. 

Sam: Hey these steaks are ready. 

Freddie: Carne!  

T-Bo: Feed me.

Spencer, Freddie, Gibby, and T-Bo run to Sam.

Sam serves the guys the steaks.




***





Opening Credits




***


Bushwell Plaza, Shays' apartment.


Gibby is massaging Sam's feet.

Sam: Oh yeah... Yes... 

Gibby: After this will you massage my feet? 

Sam: No. Gross. C'mon, work the heel. Rub it like a man. 

Kitchen.

A doctor checks Carly's temperature. The doctor takes the thermometer out of her mouth.

Doctor: Tsk, tsk, tsk! 

Carly: So, am I better? Are my jungle worms gone? 

Doctor: Yeah, I'd say you're pretty much over it. But you still could be contagious, so don't go kissing any boys. 

Carly: Yeah, no problem -- I don't have a boyfriend. 

Doctor: I didn't think so. Well, I'll be in my apartment upstairs if you need anything else. 

Gibby: Hey, Doc... I got this weird-lookin' bump growin' outta my neck. 

Doctor: That's your head. 

Gibby: No, I meant a bump that could be a problem if it's not-- 

The doctor leaves.

Spencer comes out of an elevator, bringing in a run-down, old exercise machine.

Spencer: Oh, hey, guys! Guess what I got! 

Carly: A woman? 

Sam: A real job? 

Gibby: A friend your own age? 

Spencer: No! Check it out.

Spencer brings in the exercise machine.

Spencer: I just found this at the junkyard! Amongst the junk! 

Gibby: What is that, a motorcycle? 

Spencer: Mm-hmm. A motorcy-- What about this looks like a motorcycle? 

Sam: Do you see wheels? 

Carly: A motor? 

Spencer: Anything motorcycle related? 

Gibby: Look. I'm just a kid, I'm not a "wizard". 

Sam: Get in between the toes. 

Gibby: Oh. 

Gibby continues to massage Sam's feet.

Carly: Is that some kind of exercise machine? 

Spencer: Uh, the best exercise machine ever made! It's called the Omni-Flex. 

Sam: What are you gonna do with it? 

Spencer: Fix it up and use it. 

Carly: Like, to get in shape? 

Spencer: I'm already "in shape." 

Sam: Yeah, the shape of a tall marshmallow. 

Spencer: Uhhh... Look at these toned abs. 

Spencer lifts up his shirt.

Carly: What's that in your belly button? 

Spencer notices popcorn in his belly button.

Spencer: There's nothing in my-- Whoa, popcorn. 

Spencer eats the popcorn.

Spencer leaves.

A knock on the door is heard. Freddie walks in with a Pear Pad.

Freddie: Okay, fellow iCarly people. Check out the email I just got from the manager of a certain British band known as One Direction. 

Sam get up from off the couch.

Sam: Shut up. 

Carly: One Direction?! 

Gibby: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! 

Carly: Read the email! 

Freddie: He says... "Dear Freddie." 

Gibby: Oh my God! 

Freddie: (reads) "In response to your email, my clients, One Direction, will be in the Seattle area later this week..." 

Gibby gasps.

Carly and Sam squeal.

Sam: No way, real life?! 

Gibby: Shh. Let him finish!!! 

Gibby puts his hand over Sam's mouth.

Freddie: (continues reading) "...And they would love to appear on iCarly and perform a song." 

Carly and Sam squeal.

Gibby jumps.

Gibby: Sounds good. 

***

Shays' apartment, living room.

Spencer is finished restoring the Omni-Flex exercise machine.

A knock on the door is heard.

Spencer: T-Bo! You cannot borrow my deodorant. Just--

Spencer walks to the door and opens the door.

A lady is standing at the door.

Justine: (looks at package) Hi. Are you... Spencer Spay?

Spencer: Shay.

Justine: (points to a brown spot on Spencer's face) Is that fudge on your face?

Spencer: No, no... (uses his finger to smear the spot off his face) Yes. (licks finger) Uh, who are you?

Justine: Justine. I think they left this at my door by mistake. (hands package to Spencer)

Spencer: Thanks.

Justine: No way. Is that an Omni-Flex?

Spencer: Yeah. You wanna come in and look at it?

Justine: Sure.

Justine enters the living room.

Justine touches the Omni-Flex.

Justine: Oh, my God, I used to work out on one of these.

Spencer: Really? 'Cause, you know, I'm a personal exercise trainer. 

Justine: Yeah. You're looking for new people to exercise?

Spencer: Yes.

Justine: Cool. Could you do a workout tomorrow? Around 7:00 PM?

Spencer: 7:00 is perfect.

Justine: Great. Well, bye.

Spencer: Bye to you.

Justine leaves.

Spencer closes the door. He kneels down and touches the Omni-Flex.

Spencer: I love what you've done for me.

***

iCarly set.

Carly walks in while Freddie cleans his camera lens.

Carly: Hey. Sam here yet?

Freddie: Nah, she texted me from jail and said she'd be a few minutes late.

Carly: Sam's in jail?

Freddie: Nah, she's just visiting her cousin Tanya.

Carly drinks from a water bottle.

Freddie: Nice water bottle holder.

Carly: Don't make fun of it. Spencer got this for me in Texas. See all the little handguns?

Freddie looks at the water bottle.

Freddie: Yeah. You gotta love Texas.

Freddie starts drinking out of the water bottle.

Carly: NO!!!

Carly slaps the water bottle out of Freddie's hand.

Carly: You can't drink after me! I could still be contagious with jungle worms!

Freddie: Oh, right.

Gibby walks in.

Gibby: 'Sup, my peeps?

Freddie: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, Gib.

Gibby: What?

Carly: Are you all dressed up like that 'cause One Direction's coming here?

Gibby: No. Is that today? No. What? (takes out a lint roller)

Sam runs in.

Sam: You guys! One Direction are on their way up!

Gibby jumps up and down.

Gibby: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my God! Ahhh! What?!

***

iCarly set.

One Direction had just finished performing their song "What Makes You Beautiful". Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Gibby cheer.

Gibby: Yeah!

Niall: How was that?

Gibby: Fantastic. Gorgeous.

Louis: So what time do we do the show tonight?

Freddie: We start at 7:30, so probably get here 20 minutes early.

Louis: Okay, cool.

Sam: Uh, hey guys, quick announcement. I am not currently dating anyone. (puts hands on Zayn Malik's shoulder) Just puttin' that out there.

Zayn: (quietly) Yeah, right.

Gibby walks up to Louis Tomlinson and Niall Horan.

Gibby: And I give good foot massages. Just puttin' that out there.

Harry Styles turns to Carly.

Carly: Yeah, I'm not putting anything out there. (drinks from water bottle)

Gibby walks away.

Carly: Anyway, we made you guys some British sandwiches if you're hungry.

Louis: What are "British sandwiches"?

Carly: Oh, you know. They're just sandwiches that are... they have, um... They're just normal sandwiches.

Sam: So, who's hungry?

One Direction: Yeah.

Sam: Okay, well, bring 'em up.

Zayn: Cool, thanks.

Carly: Freddie, Gibby, come help us.

Freddie: Sure.

Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Gibby leave.

Gibby walks back inside.

Liam: Something we can do for you?

Gibby: Uh, would you guys autograph my sister's scrapbook?

One Direction: Cool.

Gibby: Just sign it right by your pic.

Niall: Yeah, sure, what's your sister's name?

Gibby: Uh, my sister's name is, uh... Gib... Gi..Girl... Girlby.

Zayn: Girlby?

Harry: That's a name?

Gibby: Yeah. It's a really popular girl's name here in America. You wouldn't know that.

Harry: Is there any water around here?

Louis: Over there.

Harry walks to get Carly's water bottle.

Harry: Heh. Handguns.

Harry drinks from the water bottle. He makes finger gun motions.

***

Shays' apartment, living room.

Spencer is combing his hair.

Sam runs in.

Spencer: Oh, hey, Sam.

Sam: One Direction here yet?

Spencer: Yeah, they're upstairs getting ready to do the show.

Sam: Awesome.

Sam walks, then stops to notice Spencer's outfit.

Sam: Uh, why are you dressed like a rapper? That never sold any records?

Spencer: I tricked this really hot lady into thinking I'm a personal exercise trainer.

Sam runs upstairs.

Spencer: And she'll be here any minute-- You're not a good listener!

A knock on the door is heard.

Spencer walks to the door and opens the door.

A little girl wearing a brown sweater holding a can of Wahoo Punch is standing at the door.

Spencer: And, hello--

Bethany: Well? You just gonna stand there and look all stupid?

Spencer: Heh. Who are you?

Bethany: Bethany.

Spencer: Yeah. Uh, look, kid. I don't wanna buy any of your church candy, or whatever you're selling. I got a really hot lady coming.

Bethany: Are you an exercise trainer or not?!

Spencer: Exercise trainer?

Bethany: I smell fudge.

Bethany walks in.

Bethany finds a plate of fudge on a countertop and sniffs it.

Spencer: Oh. Hey, kid. What are you doing?

Bethany: Smelling this fudge.

Spencer: Well, get out!

Bethany: My mother said you were gonna exercise me!

Spencer: No, I am supposed-- Your mother? I thought she wanted to work out.

Bethany: Well, you thought wrong, moron.

Spencer: Hey! I am an adult! You do not call adults morons!

Bethany: (blows raspberry)

Spencer: No, would you...! Oh!

***

iCarly set.

The other One Direction members notice Harry looking sick.

Harry: Ohhhh... (coughs)

Freddie: Can he stand?

Louis: Here, let's try.

Louis and Niall try to stand Harry up.

Harry moans sickly and sits back down.

Liam: Wow, he's really sick.

Gibby: Oh, no! This is horrible!

Gibby runs to the corner of the room and sobs.

Sam: How'd he get so sick so fast?

Harry: Ohhhh. I feel cold.

Carly and Sam turn their heads to each other.

Harry: (coughs) I'm thirsty. Will somebody hold me?

Zayn: Nope.

Niall: No, no.

Louis: No.

Gibby continues to sob.

Louis: (hands Carly's water bottle to Harry) Here. Have some more of this water.

Carly: Whoa. What?! (snatches the water bottle from Louis) (turns to Sam and Freddie) What?! (turns to Harry) What?! Harry, you drank from my water bottle?

Harry: Yeah.

Carly: Oh, my God. (turns to Sam and Freddie) I gave Harry Styles jungle worms!

Gibby: Nooooo!

Gibby runs up to Harry and puts his hand on his shoulder.

Harry coughs, and Gibby takes his hand off.

Gibby: Ahhh!!!! Gaaaahhhh!!! (sits at the corner, sobs) I'm so sad. I'm so sad. (sobs)

Harry continues to moan and cough.


***

Bushwell Plaza, Carly's room.

Carly: Is he better?

Doctor: I think so. Or, maybe not. How long has he been lying in here sick?

Carly: Almost a week.

Sam: I don't get it -- Carly had jungle worms -- She felt better after two days. 

Doctor: Well, sickness is... Y'know, it's just... Other times... There it is.

Carly: Wow. Good to know. 

Sam: We're so lucky to have a doctor right here in the building. 

Doctor: Yes. Well, if I can be of any more help-- 

Carly: You helped nothing! 

Doctor: You girls have a couple hundred bucks you can float me 'til the weekend? 

Carly: Get out! 

Sam: Leave! 

The doctor leaves.

Sam: C'mon, we gotta roll. 

Carly: 'Kay.

Carly walks up to Harry, who was laying on her bed.

Carly: Oh, uh, Harry, you need anything before I go?

Harry: Oh, no. 

As Carly was about to leave, Harry stops her and holds her hand.

Harry: Wait... Could I have some more fruits? 

Carly: Fruit, sure. 

As Carly was about to leave, Harry stops her and holds her hand.

Harry: And... And could you cut them into the little cubes, the way that you do?

Sam makes a confused face.

Carly: 'Course. I'll be right back with it. 

As Carly was about to leave, Harry stops her and holds her hand.

Harry: And... Could you put warm socks on my feet? 

Carly: Sure. I'll heat up a pair in the dryer. 

Sam: What else ya want Carly to do for ya, wash your tour bus? 

Carly: Sam... 

The doctor walks in.

Doctor: How 'bout twenty bucks? 

Carly: No! 

Sam: Beat it, clown!

Carly and Sam scare the doctor away.

***

Shays' apartment, living room.

Spencer is eating a spaghetti taco while watching Bethany exercising on the Omni-Flex. Bethany is sweating and complaining.

Spencer: ...One and two and good, tell your mom to call me. And good, and pull and-- 

Bethany: I wanna stop! 

Spencer: Why?! 

Bethany: Cuz I've already been doin' this for forty-five seconds! Where's the dang fudge?! 

Spencer: No more fudge!

Bethany: I hate you! 

Bethany sits down and cries.

Spencer: Awww... 

Spencer slurps a piece of his spaghetti from his spaghetti taco. He checks his PearPhone and gets up from the stool. He sits by Bethany.

Spencer: Awww, kid... Bethany... What's wrong? (puts hand on Bethany's shoulder and quickly moves his hand away) Wow, you're already sweating. 

Bethany: No one likes me -- 'cuz I'm awkward. 

Spencer: You're not awkward. 

Bethany: I'm not? 

Spencer: You just have a terrible, terrible personality. You're so mean. And look at your shirt... What is that stain? 

Bethany: (looks at stain on shirt) Mucus. 

Spencer: Okay, well some people don't wanna be friends with girls who have mucus all over them. 

Bethany: I need a makeover. 

Spencer: Well, uh, yeah. But you also need to be nicer to people. And snot less on yourself. 

Bethany: I want a makeover!!! 

Spencer: All right!!! ...And if Harry's not better by Friday, we'll have to cancel our shows in San Francisco. San Francisco! Mah town! Wooo! I've never been there. Well I feel awful. I don't know why he's not getting better. Oh Carly... Oh, sweet, innocent, stupid little Carly. Why am I stupid? Harry doesn't wanna get better -- 'cuz you make him breakfast in bed, and you warm his socks, and read him stories and brush his hair and, you know, you're not ugly. What do you think, hot pants? Well, if you were treating me like you've been treating Harry, I sure wouldn't wanna leave. You think Harry's faking? Not faking. I'm sure he was sick. I just think, now, he's havin' a good time at "Hotel Carlyfornia." You did not just say that. I said it and I'm proud of it. Oh. Uh. Okay, so what are we gonna do about this? Uh, I know what might motivate Harry to get outta bed and back on stage. You think I should work him over with the butter sock? Y'know, I really really don't. Did she say 'butter sock'? Is that a sock? Full of butter? Do you guys wanna hear my idea? Yes. Does it involve the butter sock? No! Look, I was just thinking... Harry might suddenly feel better if he thought he was gonna be replaced in One Direction. Whoa, wait -- replace harry? Not for real. We just make him think he's being replaced. Who with?