Bella and the Bulldogs - I Love You, Hunter Hayes! Transcript

Silverado West Middle School, hallway.

Bella, Sophie, and Pepper are standing in front of Bella's locker. A picture of Hunter Hayes can be seen along with a calendar reading "Days to Hayes". Bella rips off the 3 from the calendar to reveal a 2.

Pepper: I can't believe it's only two days left until the Hunter Hayes concert!

Bella: We bought these tickets a year ago. Remember how much babysitting we had to do to pay for them?

Pepper: I don't. I'm spoiled and my parents give me whatever I want.

Bella and Sophie look at her with confusion.

Pepper: Sorry. Inside thought.

Bella: Guys, we're so lucky he's coming to Silverado. Hunter never performs at small venues.

Sophie: If Hunter sings "21", I am going to die! But if he plays "I Want Crazy", I'm gonna come back from the dead just so I can die all over again.

Bella and Sophie squeal. Pepper walks off holding her phone.

Bella: Pepper, what are you doing on your phone?

Pepper: I'm trying to find a way to meet Hunter Hayes after the concert. Ace is finally putting my interview show on the air, but I don't have any big-name guests.

Sophie: I'm sure Hunter Hayes is a good guy, but he's a superstar. I don't think he's gonna have time for a middle-school TV show.

Pepper: (gasps) What if you're right? (ranting) Then my show won't get enough views and then Ace will cancel it, and I'll never be the next Oprah or Ellen, or any other single-name female powerhouse! The only way I'll get on a talk show is by being that lady who brings all the exotic animals and then--

Bella: Pepper, breathe! Actually, don't. We're seeing Hunter Hayes this Sunday!

The girls all high-five each other.

***

Locker room.

Coach Russell: We're cleaning the field this Sunday!

Bella: What?

Sawyer: Wait, this Sunday? Don't you think you should give us some notice?

Coach Russell: I did. (takes a paper from out of the door) Don't you all read the team newsletter?

Newt: We have a team newsletter?

Coach Russell: Well, that explains why no one showed up to help me move my waterbed.

Troy: Ha. Yeah. that's why no one showed up.

Coach Russell: This is a mandatory team activity. I expect to see you all here at 3 o'clock.

Bella: But, Coach--

Coach Russell: Ah, ah, ah, ah! I don't want to hear it. That waterbed burst in the stairwell. It deserved better.

Bella shrugs.

***

Opening Credits

***

Silverado West Middle School, football field.

Bella is talking to Sophie and Pepper.

Bella: I can't believe I have to miss the Hunter Hayes concert. This is the worst thing ever.

Pepper: Can't you skip the clean-up? You already practice five days a week-- plus games on Saturday.

Bella: So does everyone else.

Pepper: And who stays up all night before games to memorize her motivational speeches?

Bella: I can't just go in cold.

Sophie: And who wore a jockstrap just to show the guys she was one of them?

Bella: That was above and beyond-- and totally uncomfortable! You know what? You're right. I give my heart and soul in this team and never ask for anything, until now.

Bella walks up to Coach Russell.

Sophie: Go get 'em, mama.

Bella: Coach, I can't make it on Sunday.

Coach Russell: Yeah, hold on. (turns away) The Hunter Hayes concert is no excuse to miss a team clean-up. (turns to Bella) Okay, now what is your excuse?

Bella: Well, it's definitely not Hunter Hayes. It's... my nana's 60th birthday party?

Coach Russell: I find that hard to believe.

Bella: Oh, but--

Coach Russell: Your nana is turning 60? She looks great for her age. Really great! Ha!

Bella: Ew.

Coach Russell: Well, you enjoy that party. Uh, by the way, is your nana still seeing that guy?

Bella: You mean Grandpa? They've been married for 37 years.

Coach Russell: Cool. Good to know.

Coach Russell walks away. Bella walks away, embarrassed.

***

Silverado West Middle School, football field.

The field is messy, covered in balloons and trash.

Coach Russell walks to the field, pushing a janitor's cart.

Coach Russell: Hey, guys. Thanks for showing up.

Troy: Did we have a choice?

Coach Russell: Nope. And thanks for recognizing that. (hands trash bags to three boys) You three, go pick up the trash on the field. (hands a trash bag to Troy) Troy, you got the bleachers. And don't forget that pile of whatever-it-is underneath them.

Troy: Wait, the hairy mystery mass? Nah-ah. No way. That thing growled at me once, man.

Coach Russell: Good. So you're familiar with it. (pats Troy on the back) (hands Sawyer a scraper) Sawyer, you're gonna be scraping the pigeon poop off the roof of the snack shack.

Sawyer: Poop? Aw, poop!

Coach Russell: And, Newt...

Newt: Please don't be gross, please don't be gross, please don't be gross...

Coach Russell: (hands Newt a toilet scrubber) Since Bella won't be here, why don't you take over her task of cleaning the porta potties?

Newt: No! Not the doo-doo sheds!

Sawyer: Wait, where's Bella?

Coach Russell: Ah, she's at her nana's 60th birthday party. Have you seen her grandma? (chuckles) She looks great for her age. I mean really great.

Coach Russell walks away.

Troy, Sawyer, Newt: Ew!

Troy: You know, I don't remember Bella saying anything about her nana's birthday party.

Sawyer: She probably just wants to get out of cleaning.

Newt: Guys, Bella's the most dedicated player on this team. She wouldn't leave us without a legitimate excuse.

Troy: Oh, so you're fine with going in that porta potty?

Newt: (feared) You mean I have to clean the inside, too? (walks to the porta potties) At least you guys will help, right? I'm thinking if we split it up and take turns, we can--

Newt notices that everyone has left, leaving him alone in the empty, messy field.

Newt: Guys? Oh, boy.

Newt walks in the porta potty. He leaves in fear shortly after.

Newt: Ah! It's worse than I thought!

***

Silverado Majestic Theater concert venue.

Bella, Sophie, and Pepper hurriedly rush through the crowd so they can get close to the stage.

Sophie: Excuse me. Sorry. 'Scuse me. Move aside, please! 

The girls finally arrive close to the stage.

Sophie: Can you believe how close we are?

Pepper: Yes. you elbowed 50 people to get all the way up here.

Sophie: I don't feel bad. I wanted it more.

Pepper: Bella, you made the right decision ditching the team for this.

Bella: Yeah. Did I? I'm starting to feel a little guilty about lying to Coach and leaving the boys to clean up the field.

Sophie: Bella, you rocked a jockstrap for this. Now relax and enjoy it.

Bella: Okay, I'll try.

Pepper: Hey, help me go over my interview questions. I stayed up all night thinking these up. Here's my first one. "Hunter, your fans are desperate to know, do you like nachos?"

Sophie: Uh...

Bella: Really? That's your first question?

Pepper: Yeah. That's my interview style. I toss him a softball then I go in for the kill.

Sophie: Ooh, what's your kill question?

Pepper: "Hunter, you just gone through a very public breakup. How do you keep a smile on your face when the cold fingers of despair clutch in at your heart?"

Bella and Sophie look scared.

Pepper: Too much?

Sophie: Pepper, I know he's a rock star, but just talk to him like he's a normal person. Play it cool.

Hunter Hayes walks on stage, holding a guitar. The crowd cheers.

Sophie: I love you, I love you, I love you! (squeals)

Hunter: What's up, Silverado?!

Performance.

Hunter performs on the stage, singing the song "21".

Cut to Silverado West Middle School, football field.

Troy is peeking out of a wall behind the bleachers. He takes out a hairy blob filled with junk stuck on, then screams in horror. He throws it out, then hides back.

Cut to Hunter performing.

He points to Bella. She shrieks with excitement as Hunter invites her on stage to dance along.

Cut to Silverado West Middle School, football field.

Sawyer is standing on a ladder, scraping off the pigeon poop from the wall of the snack shack. Suddenly, leftover pigeon poop starts to drip from off the roof and land on his head.

Cut to Hunter performing.

He and Bella dance along.

Cut to Silverado West Middle School, football field.

Newt runs out of the porta potty in fear. He gags and runs back in.

Cut to Hunter performing.

Performance ends.

Bella gives Hunter a hug as the crowd cheers. She walks off the stage to talk to her friends. The girls shriek with excitement.

Pepper: You still feeling guilty?

Bella: Not at all!

***

Silverado Majestic Theater, backstage.

Bella, Sophie, and Pepper are getting ready to meet Hunter backstage.

Pepper is holding three VIP passes.

Pepper: Okay, I have to get that interview. Here's the plan. We'll show these VIP passes, and boom. We're backstage.

Bella: Whoa! Where did you get these?

Pepper: I made them. I copied them from a picture online. I matched the font, color, and size exactly. These puppies could get us into the White House. Follow my lead and act like you belong.

Pepper shows the VIP pass to the security guard.

Pepper: Here you go. White House.

The security guard tries to scan the VIP pass, but the scanner didn't beep.

Security guard: Huh. That's weird.

Pepper: What's wrong? It's flawless.

Security guard: Your badge isn't scanning. It's supposed to have a microchip in it that makes the scanner beep.

Bella: Yeah, that happened before here. Try mine.

Bella shows her VIP pass to the security guard. Hers didn't beep, either.

Bella: Beep!

Then Pepper shows her VIP pass to the security guard. Hers didn't beep, either.

Pepper: Beep.

And Sophie shows her VIP pass to the security guard. Hers didn't beep, either.

Sophie: Beep?

Security guard: Sorry, girls. You're not getting backstage. Good work on these, though. You're a real artist.

Pepper: Thank you.

Security guard: You're welcome. Leave!

Bella, Sophie, Pepper: Aw!

The girls leave.

Bella: Pepper, don't worry. He wasn't back there, anyway.

Pepper: How do you know?

Bella: Because he's right there!

Bella turns Pepper to the front. Suddenly she sees Hunter walking to his dressing room, massaging his gums in pain. She gasps and walks up to him.

Pepper: Hey, Hunter. Can I have a quick word with you?

Hunter: (in pain) I-I'm so sorry. I can't even talk. I think I cracked my tooth.

Hunter quickly walks into his dressing room.

Pepper: But I just have a few--

Security guard: (pushes Pepper away) You heard the man. Now move along. Counterfeiter.

Pepper gives the security guard a displeased look, then walks away.

Bella: Pepper, what about your dad?

Pepper: Who would want to interview my dad? He's not a rock star, he's a den-- (surprised) My dad's a dentist!

Pepper takes out a business card from her purse. She shows it to the security guard.

Pepper: This is my dad's card. He's a really good dentist. Please give it to Hunter.

Security guard: Yeah. I'll get right on it.

Sophie excitedly runs to the security guard.

Sophie: Tell him I love him! (pulls security guard towards her) I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him...

Bella gets Sophie to let go of the security guard, then carries her out as she continues to repeat "I love him".

***

Silverado West Middle School, hallway.

Bella looks at the picture of Hunter Hayes that is taped on her locker door. She draws a heart on the picture as she sings "21".

Bella: (sings a line from "21") 'Cause that's the way that we're doing it, doing it! We go big or we go back--

Bella slams the locker door closed as she notices Troy, Sawyer, and Newt standing in front of her.

Bella: Hey, guys.

Sawyer: Huh. How's your nana's birthday party?

Bella: Oh, um.... yeah, it was great. Great time.

Troy: Oh. Sounds fun.

Bella: Yep. Just a normal party.

Newt: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Was it anything like, uh... this?! (shows Bella his phone, which had a picture of her dancing with Hunter on stage) Boom! Just blew you up.

***

Silverado West Middle School, hallway.

The boys look at Bella in shock.

Troy: You ditched the team to go to a concert?

Bella: How did you get this?

Newt: Yesterday when I was cleaning the stench of porta potty off of my soul. My stepmom Brenda texted me from the concert. She was there, too. Of course.

Bella: Whoa, guys. I can explain.

Sawyer: Say it, Bella. You lied to us.

Troy: Yeah. And we're telling Coach. Let's go.

The boys try to walk away, but Bella stops them.

Bella: What? Okay, please! You can't.

Sawyer: And if you think Coach'll be mad, wait until Nana hears you skipped her birthday party!

Troy: Sawyer, just, no.

Newt: He spent seven hours in the hot sun cleaning bird poop while you were on stage shaking your rump to the funk!

Bella: Come on, guys! You don't understand. It was Hunter Hayes!

Troy: Oh! Hunter Hayes! It was Hunter Hayes!

The boys react in a sarcastic manner.

Troy: Yeah! That changes (angrily) nothing.

Sawyer: Do you know what Coach is gonna do when he finds out you lied to him? He's gonna bench you.

Bella: Come on, guys. All I did was miss one silly clean-up.

Troy: You should have been there, Bella. It was a team event.

Newt: A filthy, vile team event, which I will be discussing with my therapist well into my 40s.

Sawyer: Have fun on the bench.

Bella: Guys! I am so sorry I missed the clean-up. But please, don't tell Coach. I'll do anything. 

Sawyer: Ah. How about you do my biology homework for me.

Bella: Done.

Troy: And clean out my ferret's cage?

Bella: On it.

Newt: And I need three dozen cupcakes by tomorrow. Make sure they're gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, and also rich, creamy, and totally delicious.

Bella: I'm not sure if that's even possible, but don't worry. I'm going to totally make it up to you.

Troy: Ah-ah-ah. Not so fast. We are just getting started.

Newt: You're gonna wanna write these down. Grab a pen, rump-shaker.

They walk away.

***

Silverado West Middle School, hallway.

Sophie and Pepper sit on the seats. Ace McFumbles walks down the stairs.

Ace: Hey, Silverstein. How's that interview coming? Remember, you promised me a big name.

Pepper: Don't worry, Ace. I'm on it.

Ace: Good. I'd hate to have to cancel you after one episode. But I will.

Ace walks away.

Sophie: Pepper, it's time to face the facts. You're not going to get Hunter Hayes.

Pepper: I know. But where am I going to find a cool musician at this point?

Sophie: Oh, here.

Sophie brings out a boy holding an oboe.

Kenny: Hey, girls.

Sophie: What? At least he's a musician.

Pepper: Hey, Kenny, can I interview you for Bulldog Network?

Kenny: Okay.

Pepper: Roll camera.

Sophie films the two as they get ready to do the interview.

Pepper: We're here with Kenny Ping, musician and first chair oboe. Kenny, do you like nachos?

Kenny: Well, my mom doesn't let me eat cheese because it enflames my embouchure.

Sophie gives them a disgusted look.

Pepper: Cut! Thanks, Kenny.

Kenny leaves. Sophie stops filming.

Pepper: That was a disaster. Ace is going to cancel me before I even air.

Sophie: Wait! Look at this!

Sophie shows Pepper a picture on her phone. The picture shows a selfie of Hunter smiling while standing next to a poster with a cartoon tooth reading "Nothing But the Tooth".

Sophie: Hunter just posted a ClickPic of the poster from your dad's dental office!

Pepper: He must've seen the business card! If we leave now, I can still get that interview!

The girls exclaim excitedly and leave.

***

Silverado West Middle School, locker room.

Bella walks in holding a few things.

Bella: Hey, guys. Sawyer, here's your homework. (hands a biology textbook to Sawyer) I even did the extra credit.

Sawyer: Thanks a lot. (angrily) Now they'll know I didn't do it.

Sawyer walks away.

Bella: Troy, the cage is clean. I wish you had told me your ferret had a taste for human flesh. (shows Troy her other arm, which had several bandages on)

Troy: You actually did that? Girl, that ferret crazy.

Troy walks away.

Bella: And here, Newt. I baked your cupcakes. (hands a box of cupcakes to Newt) It was hard without the dairy. And the gluten. And the sugar. And it took me three tries, but I finally did it.

Newt take a cupcake from the box and licks it.

Newt: (disgusted) Ugh. Not quite there yet.

Newt walks away.

Troy: You know, Bella? You look tired. Why don't you sit down?

Bella: (sits on the bench) Thank you.

Troy: And clean the mud out of my cleats. (slams his muddy cleats on the bench)

Sawyer: Ooh. Good idea! Mine, too. (slams his muddy cleats on the bench next to Troy's)

Bella: But I already did everything on your list. So shouldn't that make us even for me skipping the clean-up?

Troy and Sawyer stroke their chins.

Troy: Hmm.

Sawyer: Oh.

Troy: That's a good question. I don't know. Let's ask Coach. See what he thinks. Oh, Coach!

Bella: Fine! I'll clean your stupid cleats.

Newt walks in with even dirtier cleats and hands them to Bella.

Newt: Ooh. Mine, too.

Bella: Uh, no offense, Newt. But how does your cleats get muddy from sitting on the bench?

Newt: That's not mud. I just stomped all over those lousy cupcakes you made.

Newt strokes Sawyer's arm. Bella gives him a dirty look.

Newt: Sorry. Power's not a good color on me.

***

Silverstein Dentistry.

In Hunter's POV, we see Dr. Silverstein in the process of sedating him with laughing gas.

Dr. Silverstein: Okay. That laughing gas should have you nice and relaxed. Lemme just test it out. 

Hunter: All right. 

Dr. Silverstein: Knock-knock.

Hunter: Who's there?

Dr. Silverstein: Interrupting dentist.

Hunter: Interrupting dentist--

Dr. Silverstein turns on the drill and puts it in front of Hunter's face. He laughs while Hunter just ignores the joke and sits there and sighs.

Dr. Silverstein: Looks like the laughing gas is not working. Let's just give it a little more time to set in.

Dr. Silverstein walks out of the room.

Cut to the waiting room.

Dr. Silverstein passes by Sophie and Pepper, who are seen wearing dentist coats and reading newspapers in a way that the papers obscure their faces.

Sophie and Pepper take the newspapers out of their faces and they get up from the chairs.

Pepper: Okay. All we have to do is interview him without him knowing he's being interviewed, so, keep it together this time.

Sophie: Don't worry. It's all outta my system.

Sophie and Pepper put their masks up.

Cut to the dentist room.

Sophie and Pepper walk in.

Pepper: Hi, I'm your dental hygienist. My name is Coco and she is--

Sophie: (sheepishly) Hiiiii.

Pepper: Heidi.

Sophie chuckles.

Hunter: Aren't you a little young to be a dental hygienist?

Pepper: (chuckles) Oh, you. I get that a lot. (puts on glasses) I'm 31.

Hunter: Okay.

Pepper: Well, I guess we should start off by flossing you.

Sophie: I'll do it.

Sophie takes out a piece of floss.

Sophie: All right. Here it comes. Open wide!

Sophie gets ready to floss Hunter's teeth.

Sophie: OMG!

Hunter: (turns his head away) I'm so sorry, what are you doing?

Pepper: Perhaps you'd better skip the floss and get right into the questions.

Hunter: Questions?

Pepper: Yes, my associate will be recording your answers to ensure quality service. Totally normal procedure.

Sophie starts recording.

Pepper: How many times a day do you brush?

Hunter: Twice.

Pepper: Mm-hmm. Okay, okay. Great. After your breakup, how did you keep a smile on your face when the cold fingers of despair clutch in at your heart?

Hunter: What's going on here? Y-You're not really a dental hygienist, are you?

Sophie stops recording, then puts her phone in her pocket.

Pepper: No. I'm not. Neither is she.

Sophie: (takes off her mask) I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love--

Pepper squirts water in Sophie's face with the water flosser.

Pepper: Heidi!

Sophie shrugs.

Hunter: Can I get the dentist back in here?

Pepper: Wait! Full disclosure. My name is Pepper and I'm your biggest fan. I really need to interview you or I'll lose my show on the school TV station.

Hunter: I'm happy to help. Let's just get the tooth thing fixed first.

Pepper: You'll do the interview?

Hunter: Yeah.

Pepper: I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you--

Sophie squirts water in Pepper's face with the water flosser.

Sophie: Fangirls, am I right?

***

Silverado West Middle School, locker room.

Bella cleans a muddy pair of cleats until Troy, Sawyer, and Newt walk in.

Bella: That's it. I have finally finished.

Troy: Ah-ah-ah. I can't see my reflection.

Bella: Look. I know it was wrong of me to go to the concert. But at this point, you're just taking advantage of me.

Newt: Uh, yeah. That's the whole point of this.

Sawyer: And we are just getting started.

Bella: That's it! I'm telling Coach the truth about why I missed the clean-up. I don't care if I get benched. It's better than being your slave.

Bella walks away.

Troy: Don't worry. She's bluffing.

Sawyer: But, dude. If she tells Coach what we've been doing, we could be in more trouble than her. Come on.

Troy, Sawyer, and Newt hurriedly run to Coach Russell's office.

Cut to Coach Russell's office.

Troy: Bella, don't bother Coach with that thing. He's a busy man.

Coach Russell: Quiet, guys. Bella?

Bella: Coach, I lied to you about my nana's 60th birthday party.

Coach Russell: I knew she looked too good to be 60. (chuckle)

Bella: No. I mean, it wasn't her birthday. I went to the Hunter Hayes concert instead. I'm so sorry. I should have never put myself in front of the team. I promise it'll never happen again.

Coach Russell gets up from his chair.

Coach Russell: I am very disappointed in you, Dawson. And I'm glad you came clean, even though it took you a while.

Troy: Well, glad that's all wrapped up. See you at practice, huh?

The boys were getting ready to leave, but Coach Russell stops them.

Coach Russell: Hold it! Hold it. (chuckles) Do you guys have anything you want to tell me?

Troy, Sawyer, Newt: No, no. Not at all. No.

Coach Russell: Newt.

Coach Russell pulls Newt off to the side to talk to him.

Coach Russell: If you tell me the truth, I'll go easy on you.

Newt: (scoffs) Please, what's the worst you could do? Bench me?

Newt, Troy, and Sawyer laugh.

Coach Russell: I'll send you back to the doo-doo sheds.

Newt: We found out Bella lied about the concert and we threatened to tell you unless she did what we asked, so she did Sawyer's homework, got bit by Troy's ferret, and made me perfectly good cupcakes which I stomped on because I was crazed with power.

Coach Russell stares at Newt, while crossing his arms.

Newt: Who said that?

Coach Russell: Wow. Bella lied to me, and you guys used it against her? This is shameful. I should bench all of you.

Troy: Coach, please don't bench us, okay. We'll do anything.

Coach Russell: Anything?

***

Coach Russell's office.

Troy, Sawyer, and Newt are cleaning out the office.

Newt takes out a chicken wing from Coach Russell's desk.

Newt: Gross. A hairy chicken wing.

Sawyer: I recognize that from the tornado.

Sawyer takes the chicken wing from Newt.

Sawyer: In a weird way, it reminds me of Pepper.

Sawyer puts the chicken wing in his jacket pocket.

Sawyer: Thanks. (pats pocket)

Troy: (holds trophy) Coach, this isn't a football trophy. What's this for?

Coach Russell: The Argentine tango.

Newt: You dance?

Coach Russell: I've been known to.

Coach Russell does a tango move.

Troy: Oh.

Coach Russell continues tango dancing. Bella, having enough of Coach Russell's dancing, gets up from her chair.

Bella: Coach! Haven't we been punished enough?

***

Bulldog Report program.

Ace is seen wearing a fake mustache.

Ace: Ace McFumbles here with the world premiere of our new segment, "Silverado Scoop". Pepper Silverstein, take it away.

Cut to Silverstein Dentistry.

Pepper is getting ready to interview Hunter.

Pepper: Hello, Bulldogs. I'm here with country superstar Hunter Hayes. Tell me, Hunter, do you like nachos?

Hunter: (mouth full of cotton) I don't really eat nachos.

Pepper: Interesting. And what was your inspiration for "Young and in Love"?

Hunter: Well, it's about how when you fall in love with somebody, and you're, you know, and you have these life experiences, and it's just about (indistinct)...

Pepper and Hunter turn to the camera. Hunter shrugs and does an embarrassed smile.

Silverado West Middle School, hallway.

Sophie and Pepper are watching the interview on the TV screen.

Pepper: So, what do you think?

Sophie: I think your dad used too much novocaine. He's totally numb.

Pepper: Still, no one else has this interview. Ooh, this is my favorite part!

Sophie and Pepper turn back to the TV screen.

Cut to Silverstein Dentistry.

Hunter is singing "21" while he has a mouth full of cotton.

Cut to Silverado West Middle School, hallway.

Sophie and Pepper are dancing along.

Cut to Silverstein Dentistry.

Hunter continues to sing, while Pepper excitedly dances along.

Bella and the Bulldogs © to Jonathan Butler, Gabriel Garza, Nickelodeon. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.

iCarly (2021) - iGuess Everyone Just Hates Me Now Transcript

Bushwell Plaza, Shays' kitchen.

Carly, Harper, and Freddie are looking at food on the counter top..

Carly: What is it?

Spencer: What isn’t it? It’s a nine-layer brunch dip. Combines all your favorites. Thank you for filling out my Google survey.

Harper: I’m still not sure why I had to tell you what deodorant I use.

Spencer: ‘Cause you smell like an angel. For Carly, we have oatmeal, berries, and bacon. For Freddie, we got grapes, coffee, and leftover pizza. And for Harper we’ve got figs, caviar, spicy Bloody Mary. Dig in.

Carly walks up to Freddie.

Carly: Hey, Freddie, should you be having a mimosa? I thought you were on antibiotics for your… special friend in your… special place.

Freddie: Oh, you mean my penis parasite? I’m good. After two months of round-the-clock meds, I can pee standing up again. It’s a brand-new day for my genitals. 

Millicent walks in.

Millicent: Did you see? There’s a new episode of my favorite show.

Millicent shows a tablet to Carly.

Carly: Oh no, don’t tell me Wes and Beau made a new one. 

Millicent: Okay, I won’t tell you. Showing hurts more.

Video.

Wes: Wake up, nation. I’m Wes. This is my boy Beau. We're here with another episode of…

On-screen visual graphic: The words "The Weau Bros Show!" fly on the screen before flying out.

Wes and Beau: The Weau Bros Show!

Wes: Beau, my man, how are you feeling today?

Beau: Good. But also, uh, like… mad.

Wes: Beau and I saved Carly's life at Webicon, an event she dragged us to on my nonna's half birthday.

Beau: Whoa, bro. Then she dumped both of us, in a helicopter, which was badass, but mean. Now, no matter how many girls I hook up...

Wes: Which is a lie.

Beau: Appreciate you, fam. I can't commit! All because of Carly.

Wes and Beau shiver.

Wes and Beau: The Ice Queen.

On-screen visual graphics: Fake snow falls down on the screen. An image of Carly's "Meatball Face" meme edited with a blue tint, fake icicles, and a red human heart on her hand pops up on the screen.

Deep voice: Ice Queen.

Video ends.

Doorbell rings. Millicent walks up to the door.

Harper: You know, I'd expect that from Beau, but Wes? He's become such a douche, he makes Chet Hanks look like Tom Hanks.

Carly: (scoffs) Yeah. He works craft beer into every conversation.

Millicent carries two wet boxes labeled "Ice".

Millicent: And they're having people mail ice to the Ice Queen. It makes no sense. It melts. We just end up with wet boxes.

Millicent takes the boxes to Spencer.

Carly checks her phone.

Carly: Well. It's official. The internet hates me!

Freddie and Harper didn't listen. They drank from their mimosa glasses.

Carly: This is where you guys go, "No, no".

Spencer, Freddie, and Harper: No, no.

Millicent: Don't tell me what to do.

***

Opening Credits

***

Bushwell Plaza, Harper's apartment.

Millicent and Spencer watch Harper feed a Pomeranian named Kevin. Kevin is seen wearing a lobster bib.

Millicent: Oh, you're so lucky Double Dutch left Kevin with you while she's on tour. I scraped my knee earlier and she came over with a slipper. It wasn't what I needed, but it was so cute.

Spencer: The dog still hates you?

Harper: Yes. And if Kevin hates me, Dutch is going to hate me too. This is the fourth meal I made her today. (baby talk) But this beautiful little idiot won't eat anything I feed her. No, she won't! (angrily) No, she won't.

Carly walks in, pulling a whiteboard.

Carly: Okay. It's all hands on deck. The Weau Bros Show's latest video has me hemorrhaging subscribers. I need to win back the internet.

Millicent: Can't handle the pressure of being the main character, huh?

Carly: I cannot. Hit me. No bad ideas. How do I go from Ice Queen, to Nice Queen?

Spencer: Queen Latifah! Is that anything?

Carly: Writing it down!

Spencer: Yeah!

Carly: Millicent, go!

Millicent: Um, pass.

Carly: Writing that down, too. Harper?

Carly is about to write on the whiteboard.

Freddie walks in with a woman named Pearl.

Freddie: Everyone, meet Dr. Pearl Wallace. She's the Kevin app's certified animal therapist.

Spencer: (points to Pearl) We already met on Zoom.

Carly: Wait, what's a "certified animal therapist"?

Pearl: A pet psychic with student loan debt.

Freddie and Pearl walk up to Harper.

Freddie: Pearl's here to help with Kevin. (whispers) We can hear you two fighting all the way down the hall.

Harper: All right, then. Let's see what you can do, Little Miss Wild Thornberry.

Pearl: Her drop-dead exterior is masking a seething inner rage.

Harper: Then we should be connecting better! 'Cause that's my whole deal, too!

Pearl holds out a dog treat.

Pearl: You want a treat, you majestic floof?

Kevin turns her head back.

Pearl: It's not the food you feed the dog, it's the energy you feed the dog.

Harper: I know you're helping, but I hate you.

Freddie turns his head to Pearl.

Freddie: If she meant that, you'd be crying already. Thanks again for coming.

Pearl: I can never leave a dog or my favorite CEO in distress.

Freddie: You're my favorite certified animal therapist. You're the only one I know, but still, congrats.

Pearl smiles, then Freddie smiles back. She leaves.

Pearl: Bye.

Freddie: Bye.

Pearl: I'll see you at the launch party.

Spencer: See you on Zoom.

Carly: Bye.

Pearl: Bye.

Pearl closes the door as she walks out.

Freddie: Speaking of the launch party, how's the planning going, Spence?

Spencer: Amazing. We're going private. I thought we could all eat with our hands tied to our backs like the animals do.

Freddie: Spencer, I'm still trying to rebuild our reputation after my last failed start-up, and this is my opportunity to prove that I'm a serious businessman. This party needs to be the opposite of lit, so let's get... dim?

Millicent walks to Freddie.

Millicent: I can keep an eye on Spencer.

Freddie: Good idea. Millicent is great at serious parties. The theme of her tenth birthday was the Magna Carta.

Millicent: Tenth and eleventh. Establishing the power of law is not something that could be contained to one afternoon at a Build-a-Bear.

Carly: Great. That's settled. Now, help me. Please. I know I said that there are no bad ideas, but... are you seeing this whiteboard?

Freddie walks to the whiteboard.

Carly: You gotta top Queen Latifah.

Spencer: Pfft. With what?!

Spencer walks out.

Drake & Josh - Mindy Loves Josh Transcript

 Opening intro boxes.

Josh: Okay. Women, sometimes can be tricky. 

Drake: Girls are so easy to figure out. 

Drake eats a marshmallow.

Josh: Like, when I was in the fourth grade, this girl named Becky Hummus said she had a crush on me. 

Drake: Like last year, this girl Allison Fletcher asked me out. 

Josh: But Becky didn't really like me. 

Drake makes a sculpture out of marshmallows.

Drake: But Allison wasn't really into me.

Josh: She just knew that every day in my sack lunch I brought Doodle Cakes.

Josh was cutting his hair. 

Drake: She was just trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. 

Josh: (shocked) I was being used! 

Drake: I was being used.

Josh continued to cut his hair.

Josh: That semester, she ate almost every Doodle Cake I brought to school. 

Drake: Then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend. 

Josh: By the end of fourth grade, she weighed over 200 pounds. 

Drake: I kinda missed Allison. So, I started making out with her sister.

Josh: And now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants. 

Drake: I think her sister kisses even better. 

Josh: You know, they make fat-free Doodle Cakes now. 

Drake: I wonder if they have a third sister. 

Josh combs his hair.

 

Josh: But it's too late for Becky. 

***

The Parker-Nichols house.

Josh and his friend Mindy are working on a school project in the dining room.

Josh: Okay, so I think we should set the transformer to 125 volts. 

Mindy: Yeah, I don't think we're gonna need that much power if we're gonna be using mirrors to hyper-focus the pulse beam.

Josh: You know what we're hyper-focusing on right now? 

Mindy: Tell me. 

Josh: Your lips. 

Mindy: Mmm! Josh, you make me tingle like a five-gigawatt capacitor. 

Josh and Mindy kiss.

His stepbrother Drake walks in.

Drake: Hey, Josh.

Josh and Mindy stop kissing. 

Drake: Whack-job. 

Mindy: Underachiever. 

Drake: What is all this stuff? (picks up item)

Josh: They're items for our science fair project! (snatches item from Drake) Paws off! 

Drake: Wait. You two are working together on a science fair project? What happened to the big rivalry between you two?  

Mindy: Well, now that we're a couple, we've decided to combine our brainpower and work as a team. 

Josh: Yeah. We're building a hyperbolic photon cannon. 

Drake: Oh, wow. I'm hungry.

Drake walks out.

Josh: Now that he's gone... 

Drake and Josh's younger sister Megan walks in.

Megan: Hey! 

Josh and Mindy hit their heads.

Josh and Mindy: Ow!

Megan smiles.

Josh: What do you want? 

Megan: There are a couple of guys outside stealing your bike.   

Josh: Aw, I just lubed the chain! Hands off my ride! Hey!

Josh storms out. 

Mindy: Maybe I should call the police. 

Megan: Nah. Nobody's stolen his bike.

Mindy: Then what'd you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.

Megan crosses her arms.

Megan: Yeah.

***

Opening Credits

***

The Parker-Nichols house.

Megan is examining the parts for the science project.

Megan: Cool laptop. 

Mindy: Oh, thanks.

Megan walks to look at the PearBook laptop. 

Megan: Ew. What website is this? 

Mindy: Oh. That's SkinIllnesses.com. I was just looking up some stuff for my biology homework.

Megan: Why is this guy's face all purplish? 

Mindy: He's got the Bangkok River Rash.  

Megan: Sweet. 

Drake walks in.

Drake: What's sweet? 

Megan: What are you eating? 

Drake: A big cookie.  

Megan: That was my big cookie! 

Drake spits out the cookie from his mouth and onto his his hand. He shows the chewed up cookie pieces to Megan.

Drake: Want it back? 

Megan gives Drake a grossed-out expression on her face. Drake puts the chewed up cookie back into his mouth and walks away.

Megan: Hey, this skin disease website.  

Mindy: Yeah? 

Megan: Email me the link, would you?

Mindy: Are you gonna do something bad to Drake? 

Megan: Probably.

Mindy: Excellent.

Josh walks in.

Josh: There's no one stealing my bike.

Megan: I know. Later.

Megan walks out. Josh turns to notice Mindy using a screwdriver.

Josh: Hey, what are you doing with the plasma coil?

Mindy: Recalibrating the pulse rate to 70 megahertz.

Josh: I thought we agreed on 50 megahertz to keep the photon bubbles small.

Mindy: Will you trust me on this? I have won the science fair the past five years in a row.

Josh: I knew it.

Mindy: What?

Josh: You don't respect my scientific intellect!

Mindy: Of course I do. Look, obviously we both have totally different ideas when it comes to hyperbolic photon cannonries, so why don't we each just make our own photon cannon for the science fair?

Josh murmurs.

Mindy: And that way, we can spend less time arguing and more time kissing.

Josh: Hmm. Okay. We'll each make our own photon cannon.

Mindy: That's my boy. (looks at watch) Ooh. I better get home.

Mindy gathers her stuff.

Josh: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost 7:30.

Josh escorts Mindy to the door.

Mindy: Are you sure you're okay with this?

Josh: Are you sure you're okay with this? (kisses Mindy's lips)

Mindy: Very okay with that. I love you.

Josh chuckles sheepishly.

Josh: (nervous) See you in chemistry. (slams door)

Josh screams and runs away.

***

Drake and Josh's room.

Drake aims a slingshot at three soda cans.

Drake: Two-for-two.

Josh runs in, scared.

Josh: Drake!

Drake: No, I'm busy.

Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!

Drake: What?

Drake fires his slingshot and hits Josh in the forehead, landing him backwards onto the couch. Drake then tries to wrestle Josh.

Drake: Mindy told you she loves you?

Josh: Yes!

Drake: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 

Drake runs to the door and closes it.

Drake: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Drake runs to the window and puts the shade down.

Drake: Okay, you tell me. Tell me exactly how you responded when Mindy said "I love you".

Josh: (stammers) I didn't know what to say, so I just said (whimpers) "see you in chemistry", and then I slammed the door in her face!

Drake: Josh, when a girl says "I love you", that is a time to cut and run.

Josh: You mean, like break up with her?

Drake: Yes. Now, there are a few ways you could do this.

Josh: Drake, I don't want to break up--

Drake: You could fake your own death. Now that's the cleanest way, but it might freak Mom and Dad out and they'll have to move to another state.

Josh: Will you listen to me?

Drake: You could always become a woman, but that involves all that surgery and then you'd have to--.

Josh: Drake! What if I love her back?

Drake slaps Josh in the face.

Josh: Why'd you slap me?

Drake: 'Cause you're talking crazy.

Josh: No. I might love her.

Drake slaps Josh in the face.

Drake: Whoa. Your cheeks make different sounds when they're slapped.

Josh: What?

Drake: Yeah. Check it out. (slaps Josh in the face) They're like, semi-torn apart.

Josh: No! Are you done insulting my face?

Drake: Do you seriously think you might be in love with Mindy?

Josh: I don't know. Maybe. I gotta think this through.

Josh walks away, then walks back up to Drake.

Josh: Oh, you know what else?

Drake: What?

Josh punches Drake.

***

Megan's room.

Megan is sitting by her computer.

Megan: Skin diseases. Let's see. 

Megan is looking at SkinIllnesses.com.

Megan: Derma Temeculitis. A rare skin affliction which causes the hands and feet to turn a sickly greenish color. Nice. Cure, cure, cure...

Megan reads the "cures" page of the website.

Megan: Ah. The only known cure requires an unusually painful series of injections by needle into the afflicted areas. Awesome. There are some rumored home remedies but they're highly unpleasant and may or may not be effective in curing Derma Temeculitis.

Megan takes a sip of her soda.

Megan: Interesting.

***

Parker-Nichols house, living room.

Drake is laying on the couch watching TV.

Megan walks in, holding a gun full of green paint. She sprays Drake's hands.

***

Drake and Josh's room.

Josh paces nervously.

Josh: Mindy, it's great that you love me, and... I have some feelings for you too, but... No, that sounds lame. Uh... Mindy, I'm in the promises of becoming a woman, so I'm worried that--

Drake runs in, screaming.

Drake: Oh, my God, Josh! What's wrong? What happened?!

Drake show's Josh his hands, which were dyed green. 

Josh: Whoa! Whoa!!! WHOA!!!!! Why are your hands green?!

Drake: I don't know! I woke up, went to the bathroom and my hands were green!

Josh: Well, did you try washing them?

Drake: For ten minutes! I even used soap!

Josh: Just calm down! We'll look it up online.

Drake shows Josh his green hands. 

Josh: I'm just gonna go around you.

Josh walks on top of the couch, around Drake. He sits by a computer and hurriedly types.

Drake: Hurry!

Josh: Uh, we'll go to WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com.

Drake: WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com?

Josh: I have it bookmarked. And we'll go to "skin illness green hands gross".

Drake: Well, what's it say?

Josh: What?

Big Time Rush - Big Time Christmas Transcript

Scene starts off with a book. The cover read "A Big Time Christmas".

Narrator: 'Twas the morning before Christmas, and L.A. was hopping. And the boys were up early doing last-minute shopping.

A hand opens the book.

Transition to episode.

***

Department store exterior. Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan are waiting in line in cold weather.

Logan: Who shops at 5AM on Christmas Eve day?

James: Us. 'Cause we didn't shop for anyone except Gustavo.

Carlos: Who's gonna love his gift!

Kendall: And for everyone else, we can save up to 70% at TKSimmons' Last-Minute Shoppers' Super Sale.

James: All our shopping in one location, at low, low prices.

Carlos: It's the perfect shopping holiday experience!

A woman who is standing behind Carlos looks at him.

Woman: Is this your first 5AM super sale?

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Yeah.

A woman who is standing in front of Logan looks at the boys.

Woman #2: Good luck.

Logan: "Good luck"? What does that mean?

***

Inside the store.

Shoppers were causing a commotion, fighting and tugging onto clothes, and other items and yelling.

Kendall and Woman #1 are fighting over a sweater.

Kendall: It's for my mom!

Woman: Back off!

Woman #2 was tackling James. He uses a pillow to hit the woman.

Carlos and another woman are banging pans. Another woman in a yellow sweater falls on Carlos.

Kendall and the woman continue to fight over the sweater. He lets go. Logan pops out of a counter holding two clothes.

Logan: I got it! Aah!

A woman runs into Logan.

TKSimmons exterior.

James, Kendall, and Carlos run out of the store with shopping bags.

Carlos: (exhausted) We did it! Christmas shopping is done!

James: We have no idea what we got, but the savings were incredible.

Kendall: Wait! Where's Logan?

Logan is leaving in a woman's shopping cart. He has a present bow on top of his head.

Logan: Aah! I think I got bought.

James, Kendall, and Carlos run to Logan.

***

Opening Credits

***

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

James, Kendall, and Carlos are pushing Logan in the shopping cart while they carry shopping bags.

Camille walks in holding a present.

Camille: Merry Christmas. Don't open it until tomorrow. (hands present to Logan)

Logan: Thank you. And, uh, here's my present to you. (rummages through the bags and hands Camille a canned ham)

Camille: A canned ham.

Logan: Or, would you prefer a....

The boys rummage through the bags. Logan takes out a candle.

Logan: A scented candle.

Camille decides.

Camille: I'll keep the ham.

Camille gives Logan a kiss on the cheek.

Camille: And I will see you guys next year. 

Camille leaves.

Kendall: Onward, Santa's helpers!

James, Logan, Carlos: Ho, ho, ho!

James, Kendall, and Carlos push Logan in the shopping cart. They go to the elevator. Jo walks to the boys.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Stop!

Kendall: Right there until you get your Christmas gift.

Kendall hands Jo a picture frame with a picture of a baby framed. The frame read "Baby's 1st Birthday".

Jo: "Baby's first birthday" frame.

Kendall: No.

Carlos hands Kendall a gift bow. Kendall sticks the bow to the frame.

Kendall: It's our first Christmas frame, or it will be if you put a picture of us in it.

Jo smiles. A boy named Jett has a gift. Jo turns to him.

Jett: And here's my gift to you.

Jett is holding a tablet with a bow on the screen. He swipes to a screen reading a Christmas message.

Jo: Wow, Jett. An iSlab?

Jett: And it's pre-loaded with pics. Of us.

Jett swipes the tablet screen to reveal pictures of him and Jo.

Jett: Huh? Oh, that's right! You don't have a hit TV show with a fat, 3-year contract like me. (laughs)

Jo rolls her eyes.

Kendall: Yes, but you don't have 3 friends who are hockey players. Like me.

Kendall snaps his fingers. James, Logan, and Carlos appear behind Jett. They tackle Jett.

Jett: Huh? Oh, no! No! Be careful! Don't! Guys, I bruise easily! 

Jett: And this is my gift to you. (shows Kendall a hockey stick wrapped with wrapping paper with a mistletoe stuck on top)

Kendall: I wonder what it could be.

Jo moves the hockey stick up and down. A string rolled out with a mistletoe stuck on.

Jo: Just kiss me under the mistletoe.

Jo and Kendall kiss.

Logan, James, and Carlos walk in, whistling.

The Jennifers, three girls all named Jennifer walk out of the elevator. Carlos turns to the girls. 

Carlos: Oh, give me that. 

Carlos walks to Kendall and snatches the mistletoe hockey stick. He walks up to the girls.

Carlos: Hey, girls. Mistletoe. Now you gotta kiss me. (puckers lips)

Jennifers: No. We have to catch a flight.

The Jennifers walk out. Carlos feels sad.

The Jennifers walk up to Carlos.

Jennifers: Oh, what the heck. It's Christmas.

The Jennifers kiss Carlos and leave.

James: My turn!

James snatches the mistletoe hockey stick from Carlos.

James: So, who's the lucky lady gonna be?

James walks to the elevator. The elevator doors open, revealing a large group of girls.

Girls: Mistletoe!

The girls tackle James. He screams. The elevator doors close.

Kendall and Carlos push Logan in the shopping cart. They go to the Knights' hotel room.

Jennifer, Kendall's mom was busy arranging gifts. She gets scared and drops the gifts. 

Kendall: Don't look! We got your presents, but they're not wrapped.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos hide the bags.

Jennifer: Well, all of these are. And I need help packing. I have to get all of these presents in the carry-on bag so we don't get charged a fortune.

Katie: Who cares? Tomorrow is Christmas. With toys, and snow, and toys!

Jennifer: Christmas is not about toys. It's about giving and being with the people that you love.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and Katie turn to each other.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Katie: No, it's about toys.

James walks in, with tattered clothes and kiss marks on his cheeks.

James: Mistletoe. Bad.

James faints.

Jennifer: Okay. Our flight leaves in 5 hours, so, who's helping?

Kendall: Oh, all of us, but first, we've gotta go give Gustavo his amazing present.

Kendall shows Jennifer a packing envelope.

Carlos: Ooh! Don't forget about Kelly.

Kendall: Right.

The boys rummage through the bags.

Logan: Does anyone know if she likes regular track shoes?

Logan takes out track shoes from the bag.

***

Rocque Records office.

Gustavo, who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt carries luggage. Kelly carries the rest.

Gustavo: Dogs. Let's make this quick, because (singsong voice) I'm going to Fiji for the holidays!

The boys turn to each other.

Gustavo: Okay, it's not my best song ever, but who cares? I'm going to Fiji! 

Kendall: Well, we just wanted to give you this.

James shows Gustavo a packing envelope.

Carlos: We ordered it special.

James hands the package to Gustavo.

Gustavo: Ooh. (opens package)

Gustavo finds a pair of red pajamas.

Gustavo: Pajamas? Really?

Kendall: Every Christmas, we wear our PJs all day long.

James: It's our holiday tradition. 

Gustavo: Yeah, I'm not doing that. (drops pajamas)

Logan: And this is for you.

Logan hands Kelly a panini press with an alarm clock on top.

Kelly: Oh. It's a panini alarm clock. It's what I just wanted.

Logan: Or...

The boys rummage through the bags. James takes out a watering can shaped like a pig.

James: We could offer you this pig watering can.

Carlos takes out a nutcracker that looks like a rock star.

Carlos: Ooh. Or this rock star nutcracker.

Kelly: I'll stick with this.

Kendall: So what'd you get us?

Gustavo: That is a surprise.

The boys get excited.

Gustavo: (to Kelly) Kelly, get them something surprising for Christmas and ship it to them. Let the holidays begin!

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Gustavo and Kelly get excited. As they are about to head out, they are stopped by Griffin.

Griffin: Great news, everyone. I've decided to release a Big Time Rush Christmas EP. Since it will bring your fans lots of holiday joy. And me, lots of holiday money. 

Kelly: So, you're putting extended mixes in Christmas packaging.

Griffin: No. I'm putting Christmas songs in Christmas packaging. 

Gustavo: Uh, we haven't recorded any Christmas songs. 

Griffin: Well, then you better get started, because no one is going anywhere, until I get my holiday songs. 

All: What?

***

Rocque Records office, recording studio.

Gustavo: Three Christmas songs and make our flight by tonight?! It can't be done! 

Griffin: Sure it can. It's called a Christmas miracle. 

Carlos: Oh, like me getting kissed by the Jennifers today? 

James: Oh, I heard this old lady lost her artificial leg, right? And found it next morning in her stocking.

Griffin: See? I want the songs available for download tonight. Now, since it's Christmas Eve, I'm off to the office to fire some people. I will check in with you later. 

Griffin leaves.

Kendall: We should do this. I think it would be nice to give our fans a Christmas gift.

Gustavo: I can't write three songs in three hours. 

Kelly walks to the wall full of record plaques. She points to one for "Yard Squirrel Christmas" selling 1,000,000 copies.

Kelly: Actually, you wrote "Yard Squirrel Christmas" in five minutes and it's still your biggest selling single, ever.

***

A record player is playing a song with sped-up vocals. Next to the record player is the cartoony cover for "Yard Squirrel Christmas".

Sped-up voices: (singing) It's a Yard Squirrel Christmas, but all we hear is this... 

Gustavo: (yelling) YARD SQUIRRELS!!!! 

***

Gustavo: It was just a stupid novelty song with sped-up voices and I hated it. 

Carlos: Hey, I loved that song. 

All: Everybody loved that song. 

Gustavo: I write the best pop songs in the world. And I will NOT be remembered for some stupid squirrel song. 

Kendall: Well, then, it's time to write a new Christmas classic. 

Carlos: You can do it, Gustavo. You're a genius. 

James: You have the power to get us home for Christmas.

Kelly: And get yourself to Fiji. 

Gustavo: Get me blank music sheets, 13 candy canes, and a cup of cocoa with marshmallows piled high. Because we're about to pull off a Big Time Christmas miracle. 

The gang cheers.

***

Palm Woods hotel, Knights' hotel room.

Katie is busy packing up a suitcase.

Katie: (singing) Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree. Won't you help me close this stupid...  

The suitcase gets full and Katie sits down.

Jennifer: Katie, those are the presents! 

Katie: I can't help it. It's almost Christmas. And I'm jonesing for holiday cheer. 

Jennifer: Hey, there is plenty of cheeriness around here. Look at our tree.

A mini Christmas tree sits on top of the countertop with only a few ornaments put on. One ornament falls off and shatters.

Jennifer: Well, you can help me pack these presents or you can check the lobby for your Christmas cheer. 

Katie runs out. Jennifer is stressed after finding out she has a lot of presents.

***

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

Katie finds that the lobby is not decorated. Mr. Bitters walks in.

Katie: Dude, this is the saddest lobby, ever. Where is the big tree? Where is the tinsel? Where are the blinking lights? 

Mr. Bitters: Where's the people? Gone for the holidays. So, I don't need to decorate. And I can't wait for you and the hockey hits to leave because I love my Palm Woods empty. 

Katie: Seriously? You're not going to hang one ornament? 

Mr. Bitters: You want some holiday cheer? (takes out a moldy candy cane) Found this in the laundry room. Have a Palm Woods Christmas.

Katie takes the candy cane.

Katie: I'm eating this. 

***

Rocque Records office.

Gustavo is thinking of a melody. The boys are busy playing games.

Gustavo: (Humming) No. (Humming, singing) And wonderful, and... (blows raspberry, sings) Have your merry, wonderful...

Kendall: Anything?

Gustavo: Great Christmas songs don't just happen. I need to be in a Christmassy mood!

The boys are playing their handheld video games.

James: Can we help you?

Kelly shrugs.

Gustavo: How?

Kendall: Well, whenever we want to get into a Christmassy mood...

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: (in unison) We just get into our...

The boys hide behind the couch and come out wearing pajamas.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: (in unison) PJs! Whoo-ooh!

Gustavo looked flabbergasted. Kelly is shocked.

Kelly: How do they do that?

Logan: They're cottony, holiday joy.

Logan and Kendall hold an extra pair.

Gustavo: Yeah, I'm not wearing PJs.

Logan and Kendall drop the extra pair of pajamas.

Carlos: Uh... we could try decorating the place.

Kelly: Ooh! I've always wanted to decorate the studio for Christmas.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Bingo!

Gustavo: Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea. Let's just waste a couple hours driving around town (loudly) and buying Christmas decorations.

Kendall: What are you talking about? Every company in this building is already gone for the holidays.

Carlos: Yeah. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we "borrowed" some decorations.

Kelly smirks. Gustavo takes off his sunglasses.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Go, go, go!

Musical montage.

The boys run to a door labeled "Jambox, Inc.". They run inside.

The boys run out of the door holding garland and wreaths.

Outside the Rocque Records building. The boys are standing in front of a guy in a Santa suit ringing a bell next to a donation bank. 

The boys sing their song "Beautiful Christmas".

A man puts money in the donation bank.

Rocque Records building.

Logan and James put up a wreath.

James and Kendall move a coffee table.

Logan and Carlos move a couch.

Kelly sits in a chair.

Logan and Carlos lift up the chair while Kelly is still sitting in it.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

Rocque Records building.

Logan and James move a piano.

Carlos and Kendall pop out from behind the piano and put potted poinsettias on top of it.

Kelly puts up a wreath.

Kendall helps her plug it in. The wreath lit up.

Logan puts a stool in front of the piano.

Gustavo sits in the stool. He cracks his knuckles.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

The boys run to a door labeled "Dewey, Cheetum & Howe". They run inside.

The boys run out of the door carrying two parts of a foam mantle.

Rocque Records building.

Gustavo sits by the piano, writing a song.

Kendall and Logan put up a fake brick wall.

James and Carlos put up a fake mantle.

The boys run out of a door carrying a couch.

Rocque Records building.

Kendall and Carlos move a couch.

James takes down a wall painting.

Kelly puts up a framed painting.

Gustavo holds up his cup of hot cocoa. Kelly walks up to him and puts a couple of large marshmallows in his cup.

Kendall and Logan put the garland on top of the mantle.

Recording studio.

Kelly wraps Gustavo with lights.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

People shove loads of money in the donation bank.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Kelly puts more large marshmallows in Gustavo's cup.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

People put money in the donation bank.

Rocque Records building.

James carries a table with a potted poinsettia.

Carlos rolls out a rug.

James and Kendall put a table on top of the rug.

Kelly puts a bowl of candy canes on the table. Carlos, James, and Kendall reach into the bowl.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Gustavo and Kelly dance.

Rocque Records building.

James puts up curtains.

Carlos hangs up stockings.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Gustavo and Kelly dance.

The boys run to a door labeled "Big Tree Corporation". They run inside.

The boys run out of the door carrying a Christmas tree.

Rocque Records building.

The boys decorate the tree.

Carlos and Kendall carry a TV. They put it by the fake mantle.

Kelly jumps on the couch and puta on a plaid fleece blanket. She holds a remote and turns on the TV.

The TV showed footage of a burning yule log.

Kelly high-fives Logan and James.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Kelly hugs Gustavo.

Rocque Records building.

The boys sing as Gustavo plays the piano.

Montage ends.

The boys and Gustavo turn and admire the decorated office.

Griffin, wearing pajamas that look like a suit, sits on the couch, holding a cup of hot cocoa. One of Griffin's assistants pretends to roast marshmallows by the fake fire on the TV.

Griffin: See? Christmas miracles do happen.

Griffin and his assistant, who was also wearing pajamas that looked like a suit and tie, walk up to the boys, Gustavo, and Kelly.

Griffin: And thanks for the PJs, boys. They make me feel so Christmassy.

Kelly: Christmassy enough to let us release a single instead of an EP?

Griffin: Ho-ho-ho, no.

Gustavo: Buergh!

Griffin: And make the other two celebrity duets.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Kelly: CELEBRITY DUETS?!

Gustavo: How are we supposed to get celebrities to sing with Big Time Rush on Christmas Eve?

Griffin: It's easy. You just get some celebrities and sing with them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to a soup kitchen to remind myself how lucky I am on Christmas.

Griffin takes a candy cane.

Griffin: Bye-bye.

Griffin and his assistant walk out.

Logan: You mean, bye-bye Christmas in Minnesota.

Gustavo plays the "ah-ah-ah-oh-ohh" part of the Big Time Rush theme song on the piano.

Kendall faints on the couch.

***

The scene turns into a book page.

Narrator: As Kendall fell back, the boys stood listless – for Griffin may have crushed their Minnesota Christmas.

***

***

A hand turns the page.

Narrator: So with just hours to catch their holiday jets, the gang prayed for another miracle and two celebrity duets.

Transition to episode.

***

Rocque Records building.

Kelly: I just pushed back all our flights four hours.

Gustavo: And how are we doing on the celebrity search?

Kendall: I just got off the phone with Lady Gaga's people.

Gustavo: Ooh, what did she say?

Kendall: "Who's Big Time Rush?"

Kelly grumbles.

Gustavo: What about Jordin Sparks?

Logan: Out of town for the holidays. Just like every other celebrity we could sing with.

Logan closes his laptop.

Gustavo grumbles.

Carlos: Hey, but on the bright side, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is very interested.

Gustavo and Kelly shrug.

Carlos: Second man to walk on the moon!

Gustavo: Oh. (chuckles)

James: There's gotta be some celebrity who's still in town!

James' fist hits the TV remote. The TV switches from the yule log to a TV promo for a Christmas special hosted by Miranda Cosgrove.

Commercial.

Miranda: So join me, Miranda Cosgrove, for my "Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas" special, live from Los Angeles.

Rocque Records building.

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly look surprised.

Commercial.

Miranda: With duets from all your favorite stars, like international superstar Fabio, Lightning the TV Wonder Dog, and...

Commercial pauses.

The boys run to the TV.

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan: Big Time Rush!

Gustavo: How?

Carlos: It'll be another Christmas miracle.

***

Palm Woods hotel, Knights' hotel room.

Katie walks inside and notices Jennifer packing up a suitcase, surrounded by other suitcases.

Jennifer: Did you find your holiday cheer?  

Katie: I found Bitters. He's a holiday killjoy.

Jennifer: Well, honey, not everybody loves the holidays.  

Katie: How could anybody not love the time of joy, family and presents?

Jennifer: Well, not everybody has a joyful family to spend time with, and share presents, and some people actually find Christmas to be very... (Attempts to zip up the zipper in a suitcase) stressful. But not me, because all the presents are packed and ready to go!

Katie: Okay, but what about the clothes?

Katie points to a large pile of clothes on a table.

Jennifer: (stressed) I don't know!

Jennifer sulks on top of a suitcase. She hears a door open and gets up in relief. 

Jennifer: Katie?

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

Katie walks in.

Katie: How could anybody not like Christmas? 

Katie notices the lobby is empty. She looks out a glass door to find Mr. Bitters is sitting by the pool eating lunch.

Katie pouts.

***

TV studio.

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly are standing by a bush thinking of a plan to get in the studio.

Kelly: So, what's the plan?

Gustavo: The plan is, there is no plan if we can't get into the studio!

Gustavo notices a woman walking into the studio showing her ID to the security guard.

James: Easy. All we gotta do is get past security.

Carlos and Logan: Piece o' cake.

Security guard: No entry if you're not on the list.

The security guard throws a man out of the studio.

Kendall: Don't panic. Remember, there's one guy who's on everybody's list.

Gustavo is seen in a Santa Claus costume.

Gustavo: Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.

Gustavo walks with the boys and Kelly, who are seen dressed up as elves. The security guard gets distracted and stops Gustavo, the boys, and Kelly from getting in the studio.

Gustavo: Ho-ho... oh.

Security guard: Seriously. You thought I'd believe you were Santa? And his elves?

Gustavo: But I am Santa.

Logan, Kelly, James, Kendall, and Carlos: (high-pitched voices) We're here to see Miranda. (giggling)

***

The security guard throws the gang out.

Gustavo: You just made my naughty list, pal!

Kelly is seen dressed as a delivery man carrying two large presents on a dolly.

Kelly: (deep voice) 'Sup? Special delivery for Miranda Cosgrove.

The security guard blocks Kelly.

Security guard: All packages must be inspected.

Kelly: Yo, you can't open Miranda's presents, dude.

The security guard takes a bite of his sub sandwich. Kelly looked nervous.

***

 

The security guard throws out Kelly and pushes out the dolly holding the presents that Gustavo and the boys were hiding in.

Kelly: I knew this was a bad idea!

Gustavo, Kelly, and the boys are seen wearing traditional German outfits while clog dancing their way inside.

James: (German accent) Hallo. We are the Von Streusel Family Christmas Clog Dancers, ja.

All: Ja!

Kendall: (German accent) We are here to dance for ze TV program.

Kelly smiles.

Security guard: Well, let's see you dance.

The gang dances to the left.

Security guard: The other way.

The gang dances to the right.

Kelly: Step on it, guys!

The gang runs inside, until they get stopped by the security guard.

Security guard: I have had enough of you--

The security guard chokes.

Carlos: I think he's choking. 

The security guard continues choking, before he falls over.

Gustavo: It's another Christmas miracle. 

The gang runs, before they stop to turn to the security guard.

Logan: Okay. We might be horrible people... 

The gang runs to the security guard. They try to help him up. He coughs up something in Gustavo's face.

Gustavo: That was gross. 

Security guard: Thanks. Who are you guys? 

Kendall: We're Big Time Rush and we just want to get home for the holidays. 

All: Please, please. We have to go, we have to. 

Security guard: Well, merry Christmas. 

The security guard drops his clipboard. He leans over.

Security guard: I dropped my clipboard and I'm distracted and can't see you. 

The gang runs out.

The security guard gets up and grabs his clipboard. He smiles and walks away.

***

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

Mr. Bitters: Goodbye. Have a Palm Woods holiday. 

Katie walks in, carrying a mini Christmas tree.

Katie: Hey, so we're leaving tonight and I can't take this with us so I thought maybe you would like it. (puts tree on Mr. Bitters' desk)

Mr. Bitters: Oh, how thoughtful. A holiday hand-me-down to get pine needles all over my lobby. No, thank you.(slides tree back to Katie) 

Katie: Look, I just thought would you use some holiday cheer, you know brighten up your day. (slides tree back to Mr. Bitters) 

Mr. Bitters: If you want to brighten up my day, then get on your plane and leave instead of giving me a Christmas weed. (picks up tree and throws it in a trash can)

Katie: Well, merry Christmas, I guess. 

Mr. Bitters looks around and sees Katie leaving. After she leaves, he picks up the mini tree from the trash and decorates it, while humming "O Tannenbaum". 

Katie peeks out to look at Mr. Bitters. She shakes her head and leaves.

Mr. Bitters continues to hum and admire the tree.

Palm Woods hotel, Knights' hotel room.

Katie walks inside.

Jennifer: Katie, guess how we're going to get all of our presents and our clothes on the plane without being charged a thing. 

Katie: We're going to wear all of our clothes. 

Jennifer is seen wearing layers and layers of winter clothing.

Jennifer: We're going to wear all of our clothes. (turns around) 

Katie: Mom, we're lucky to have each other during the holidays. Aren't we? 

Jennifer: Of course. Being with family for the holidays is what it's all about, honey. Honey, help Mommy!

Suddenly, Jennifer is about to fall over. Katie tries to help her.

Jennifer: Going down!

They both fall over. 

***

TV studio.

In front of a wintery backdrop, Miranda Cosgrove is showing a pair of colorful mittens to actors dressed in bear costumes.

Miranda: Homemade mittens? Baby Bear, this present is just right.

(SFX: Audience in awe, growling.)

Baby Bear claps.

Miranda: Now that's what I call a beary Christmas. 

Announcer: Coming up next Miranda's duet with superstar Fabio when "Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas" returns. 

Crew member: That's commercial.

Miranda and the actors get up. She walks to the producer.

Miranda: Eh, bears are funny. 

Producer: Okay, you've got five minutes to change and get ready for your duet with Fabio.

They walk out.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Gustavo, and Kelly peek out from a set piece.

Gustavo: All we have to do is get dreamboat Fabio to not make his performance.

Kendall: The producer will freak. How are we going to replace Fabio in such short notice?

Carlos: That's when we show up, when we're checking on a show. 

Logan: Hey, do you need somebody to sing a duet with Miranda? 

James: We're Big Time Rush. We're a band. 

Kelly: We record the song, and boom. Christmas miracle number two. 

Gustavo: And me and Kelly hack into the soundboard, and record the whole thing. 

The gang breaks out.

Gustavo: Good luck. 

The boys peek out from a set piece.

Kendall: Okay. Now how do we keep Fabio from stepping on that stage?

They hide as a crew member pushes a costume bin with the bear family costumes.

The boys peek out again and hatch a plan.

Dressing room.

Three of the boys, wearing the bear costumes walk in.

Fabio is seen sitting on a couch next to a box reading "Fabio's Pocket Griller". He is sipping a cup of hot cocoa, wearing a sweater reading "Xmas".

Fabio: Oh, hello, Christmas bears.

The bears wave.

Fabio: Oh, by the way, hilarious sketch. 

The bears slowly walk up to Fabio.

Fabio: Can I help you with something?

The bears continue to slowly walk up to Fabio.

Fabio: You are freaking me out now. 

(SFX: Growling)

The bears capture Fabio and trap him in a costume bin.

Hallway.

The bears help Logan push the bin.

Logan: All right, we're going live. 

Fabio: (inside bin) Let me out.

Logan: I'm gonna sing here.

Fabio: This is not beary nice. 

The gang pushes the bin, only for them to notice Miranda walking with the producer.

Logan: Miranda, Miranda! 

The gang pushes the cart to another dressing room. Suddenly, Miranda and the producer are walking up to the second dressing room.

When the gang arrived in the dressing room, Logan hurriedly closes the door.

Logan: Please tell me this isn't whose dressing room I think it is. 

Carlos takes off the Baby Bear head, while James takes off the Mama Bear head and Kendall takes off the Papa Bear head.

James: And who might not like that we kidnapped her guest star! 

Fabio: Let me out!

Miranda and the producer open the door and the boys get scared.

Miranda: What's going on here? 

Fabio frees himself from the bin.

Fabio: Oh, Miranda, help! 

Carlos tries to confront Fabio.

Fabio: Oh, no. Not Big Time Rush again. 

Kendall: Miranda, do you believe in Christmas miracles?

Miranda and the producer turn to each other, confused.

***

The scene turns into a book page.

Narrator: As Miranda stared daggers, the boys began to fret. Would this be their worst Big Time Christmas yet?

***

***

A hand turns the page.

Narrator: Back to our Big Time Christmas now full of scares for Miranda had just caught Logan and his three bears.

Transition to episode.

***

Dressing room.

Producer: You're all going to jail for Christmas. 

Kendall: Oh no, don't call the police. We're allergic to police. 

Logan: We weren't Fabio-napping. We were just hiding him so we could sing with Miranda. Sorry, Fabio? 

Carlos: Look, if we don't record thee songs by today, our grinchy CEO won't let us go home for Christmas. 

James: We're Big Time Rush, we're a band. 

Miranda: They're really cute. 

Producer: They locked Fabio in a costume bin! 

Miranda: Yeah, but they're really cute. 

Producer: My daughter does love their album. 

Fabio: And they did put some tasty snacks (shows a plate of fruits) and a movie to watch for me. (shows a DVD player) And by the way, I'm a horrible singer. 

Miranda: He's right, he's a horrible singer. 

Carlos: (sings) And we can sing... 

Kendall: (sings) Sing... 

Logan: (sings) Sing... 

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan: (singing) Sing.

Kendall: So, how are we doing? 

Miranda: Honestly... it could go either way. 

***

TV studio, set.

Gustavo and Kelly are hiding behind the soundboard.

Kelly: Okay. The producer should be freaking out looking for a replacement for Fabio by now. 

Gustavo: Which means either a miracle happened and the dogs are in wardrobe, or they got caught and we're going to jail for Christmas. 

(SFX: Bell rings.)

Filming starts.

Announcer: Welcome back to "Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas". 

(SFX: Doorbell.) 

Pan to Miranda walking down a staircase.

Miranda: Hey. I hope it's the Christmas pizza I've ordered. 

Cut to soundboard.

Gustavo and Kelly give anticipated looks.

Cut to front door.

Miranda opens the door. Fabio comes in, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a pizza box.

Fabio: Hey, Miranda.

Cut to soundboard.

Gustavo and Kelly grumble in anger.

Cut to front door.

Miranda: It's Fabio's Pizza Delivery.

Fabio winks and opens the pizza box to reveal a pizza topped with candy canes and peppermints.

Fabio: I got you candy cane peppermint pizza. 

(SFX: Audience laughing.)

Miranda: Yum. What took you so long? 

Fabio: I got stuck in the snow. 

Miranda: How did you get out?

Fabio: Well, you know, some guys came along and helped me. 

The Big Time Rush boys come in.

Carlos: Hey, what's up Miranda? 

James: Hey. Merry Christmas. 

Cut to soundboard.

Gustavo and Kelly give excited looks.

Cut to front door.

Miranda: Big Time Rush.

Cut to soundboard.

Kelly: Press record! Press record!

Gustavo: Fiji, here I come! 

Gustavo presses record.

Cut to front door.

(Song starts)

Miranda: Do you guys want to join me for a song? 

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Yeah, let's do it.

***

Performance.

Miranda comes down a staircase singing "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

James walks down the stairs with her, singing his solo.

Carlos walks down, singing his solo.