Opening intro boxes.
Josh: Okay. Women, sometimes can be tricky.
Drake: Girls are so easy to figure out.
Drake eats a marshmallow.
Josh: Like, when I was in the fourth grade, this girl named Becky Hummus said she had a crush on me.
Drake: Like last year, this girl Allison Fletcher asked me out.
Josh: But Becky didn't really like me.
Drake makes a sculpture out of marshmallows.
Drake: But Allison wasn't really into me.
Josh: She just knew that every day in my sack lunch I brought Doodle Cakes.
Josh was cutting his hair.
Drake: She was just trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous.
Josh: (shocked) I was being used!
Drake: I was being used.
Josh continued to cut his hair.
Josh: That semester, she ate almost every Doodle Cake I brought to school.
Drake: Then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.
Josh: By the end of fourth grade, she weighed over 200 pounds.
Drake: I kinda missed Allison. So, I started making out with her sister.
Josh: And now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants.
Drake: I think her sister kisses even better.
Josh: You know, they make fat-free Doodle Cakes now.
Drake: I wonder if they have a third sister.
Josh combs his hair.
Josh: But it's too late for Becky.
***
The Parker-Nichols house.
Josh and his friend Mindy are working on a school project in the dining room.
Josh: Okay, so I think we should set the transformer to 125 volts.
Mindy: Yeah, I don't think we're gonna need that much power if we're gonna be using mirrors to hyper-focus the pulse beam.
Josh: You know what we're hyper-focusing on right now?
Mindy: Tell me.
Josh: Your lips.
Mindy: Mmm! Josh, you make me tingle like a five-gigawatt capacitor.
Josh and Mindy kiss.
His stepbrother Drake walks in.
Drake: Hey, Josh.
Josh and Mindy stop kissing.
Drake: Whack-job.
Mindy: Underachiever.
Drake: What is all this stuff? (picks up item)
Josh: They're items for our science fair project! (snatches item from Drake) Paws off!
Drake: Wait. You two are working together on a science fair project? What happened to the big rivalry between you two?
Mindy: Well, now that we're a couple, we've decided to combine our brainpower and work as a team.
Josh: Yeah. We're building a hyperbolic photon cannon.
Drake: Oh, wow. I'm hungry.
Drake walks out.
Josh: Now that he's gone...
Drake and Josh's younger sister Megan walks in.
Megan: Hey!
Josh and Mindy hit their heads.
Josh and Mindy: Ow!
Megan smiles.
Josh: What do you want?
Megan: There are a couple of guys outside stealing your bike.
Josh: Aw, I just lubed the chain! Hands off my ride! Hey!
Josh storms out.
Mindy: Maybe I should call the police.
Megan: Nah. Nobody's stolen his bike.
Mindy: Then what'd you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
Megan crosses her arms.
Megan: Yeah.
***
Opening Credits
***
The Parker-Nichols house.
Megan is examining the parts for the science project.
Megan: Cool laptop.
Mindy: Oh, thanks.
Megan walks to look at the PearBook laptop.
Megan: Ew. What website is this?
Mindy: Oh. That's SkinIllnesses.com. I was just looking up some stuff for my biology homework.
Megan: Why is this guy's face all purplish?
Mindy: He's got the Bangkok River Rash.
Megan: Sweet.
Drake walks in.
Drake: What's sweet?
Megan: What are you eating?
Drake: A big cookie.
Megan: That was my big cookie!
Drake spits out the cookie from his mouth and onto his his hand. He shows the chewed up cookie pieces to Megan.
Drake: Want it back?
Megan gives Drake a grossed-out expression on her face. Drake puts the chewed up cookie back into his mouth and walks away.
Megan: Hey, this skin disease website.
Mindy: Yeah?
Megan: Email me the link, would you?
Mindy: Are you gonna do something bad to Drake?
Megan: Probably.
Mindy: Excellent.
Josh walks in.
Josh: There's no one stealing my bike.
Megan: I know. Later.
Megan walks out. Josh turns to notice Mindy using a screwdriver.
Josh: Hey, what are you doing with the plasma coil?
Mindy: Recalibrating the pulse rate to 70 megahertz.
Josh: I thought we agreed on 50 megahertz to keep the photon bubbles small.
Mindy: Will you trust me on this? I have won the science fair the past five years in a row.
Josh: I knew it.
Mindy: What?
Josh: You don't respect my scientific intellect!
Mindy: Of course I do. Look, obviously we both have totally different ideas when it comes to hyperbolic photon cannonries, so why don't we each just make our own photon cannon for the science fair?
Josh murmurs.
Mindy: And that way, we can spend less time arguing and more time kissing.
Josh: Hmm. Okay. We'll each make our own photon cannon.
Mindy: That's my boy. (looks at watch) Ooh. I better get home.
Mindy gathers her stuff.
Josh: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost 7:30.
Josh escorts Mindy to the door.
Mindy: Are you sure you're okay with this?
Josh: Are you sure you're okay with this? (kisses Mindy's lips)
Mindy: Very okay with that. I love you.
Josh chuckles sheepishly.
Josh: (nervous) See you in chemistry. (slams door)
Josh screams and runs away.
***
Drake and Josh's room.
Drake aims a slingshot at three soda cans.
Drake: Two-for-two.
Josh runs in, scared.
Josh: Drake!
Drake: No, I'm busy.
Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!
Drake: What?
Drake fires his slingshot and hits Josh in the forehead, landing him backwards onto the couch. Drake then tries to wrestle Josh.
Drake: Mindy told you she loves you?
Josh: Yes!
Drake: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Drake runs to the door and closes it.
Drake: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Drake runs to the window and puts the shade down.
Drake: Okay, you tell me. Tell me exactly how you responded when Mindy said "I love you".
Josh: (stammers) I didn't know what to say, so I just said (whimpers) "see you in chemistry", and then I slammed the door in her face!
Drake: Josh, when a girl says "I love you", that is a time to cut and run.
Josh: You mean, like break up with her?
Drake: Yes. Now, there are a few ways you could do this.
Josh: Drake, I don't want to break up--
Drake: You could fake your own death. Now that's the cleanest way, but it might freak Mom and Dad out and they'll have to move to another state.
Josh: Will you listen to me?
Drake: You could always become a woman, but that involves all that surgery and then you'd have to--.
Josh: Drake! What if I love her back?
Drake slaps Josh in the face.
Josh: Why'd you slap me?
Drake: 'Cause you're talking crazy.
Josh: No. I might love her.
Drake slaps Josh in the face.
Drake: Whoa. Your cheeks make different sounds when they're slapped.
Josh: What?
Drake: Yeah. Check it out. (slaps Josh in the face) They're like, semi-torn apart.
Josh: No! Are you done insulting my face?
Drake: Do you seriously think you might be in love with Mindy?
Josh: I don't know. Maybe. I gotta think this through.
Josh walks away, then walks back up to Drake.
Josh: Oh, you know what else?
Drake: What?
Josh punches Drake.
***
Megan's room.
Megan is sitting by her computer.
Megan: Skin diseases. Let's see.
Megan is looking at SkinIllnesses.com.
Megan: Derma Temeculitis. A rare skin affliction which causes the hands and feet to turn a sickly greenish color. Nice. Cure, cure, cure...
Megan reads the "cures" page of the website.
Megan: Ah. The only known cure requires an unusually painful series of injections by needle into the afflicted areas. Awesome. There are some rumored home remedies but they're highly unpleasant and may or may not be effective in curing Derma Temeculitis.
Megan takes a sip of her soda.
Megan: Interesting.
***
Parker-Nichols house, living room.
Drake is laying on the couch watching TV.
Megan walks in, holding a gun full of green paint. She sprays Drake's hands.
***
Drake and Josh's room.
Josh paces nervously.
Josh: Mindy, it's great that you love me, and... I have some feelings for you too, but... No, that sounds lame. Uh... Mindy, I'm in the promises of becoming a woman, so I'm worried that--
Drake runs in, screaming.
Drake: Oh, my God, Josh! What's wrong? What happened?!
Drake show's Josh his hands, which were dyed green.
Josh: Whoa! Whoa!!! WHOA!!!!! Why are your hands green?!
Drake: I don't know! I woke up, went to the bathroom and my hands were green!
Josh: Well, did you try washing them?
Drake: For ten minutes! I even used soap!
Josh: Just calm down! We'll look it up online.
Drake shows Josh his green hands.
Josh: I'm just gonna go around you.
Josh walks on top of the couch, around Drake. He sits by a computer and hurriedly types.
Drake: Hurry!
Josh: Uh, we'll go to WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com.
Drake: WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com?
Josh: I have it bookmarked. And we'll go to "skin illness green hands gross".
Drake: Well, what's it say?
Josh: What?
