Bushwell Plaza, Shays' kitchen.
Carly, Harper, and Freddie are looking at food on the counter top..
Carly: What is it?
Spencer: What isn’t it? It’s a nine-layer brunch dip. Combines all your favorites. Thank you for filling out my Google survey.
Harper: I’m still not sure why I had to tell you what deodorant I use.
Spencer: ‘Cause you smell like an angel. For Carly, we have oatmeal, berries, and bacon. For Freddie, we got grapes, coffee, and leftover pizza. And for Harper we’ve got figs, caviar, spicy Bloody Mary. Dig in.
Carly walks up to Freddie.
Carly: Hey, Freddie, should you be having a mimosa? I thought you were on antibiotics for your… special friend in your… special place.
Freddie: Oh, you mean my penis parasite? I’m good. After two months of round-the-clock meds, I can pee standing up again. It’s a brand-new day for my genitals.
Millicent walks in.
Millicent: Did you see? There’s a new episode of my favorite show.
Millicent shows a tablet to Carly.
Carly: Oh no, don’t tell me Wes and Beau made a new one.
Millicent: Okay, I won’t tell you. Showing hurts more.
Video.
Wes: Wake up, nation. I’m Wes. This is my boy Beau. We're here with another episode of…
On-screen visual graphic: The words "The Weau Bros Show!" fly on the screen before flying out.
Wes and Beau: The Weau Bros Show!
Wes: Beau, my man, how are you feeling today?
Beau: Good. But also, uh, like… mad.
Wes: Beau and I saved Carly's life at Webicon, an event she dragged us to on my nonna's half birthday.
Beau: Whoa, bro. Then she dumped both of us, in a helicopter, which was badass, but mean. Now, no matter how many girls I hook up...
Wes: Which is a lie.
Beau: Appreciate you, fam. I can't commit! All because of Carly.
Wes and Beau shiver.
Wes and Beau: The Ice Queen.
On-screen visual graphics: Fake snow falls down on the screen. An image of Carly's "Meatball Face" meme edited with a blue tint, fake icicles, and a red human heart on her hand pops up on the screen.
Deep voice: Ice Queen.
Video ends.
Doorbell rings. Millicent walks up to the door.
Harper: You know, I'd expect that from Beau, but Wes? He's become such a douche, he makes Chet Hanks look like Tom Hanks.
Carly: (scoffs) Yeah. He works craft beer into every conversation.
Millicent carries two wet boxes labeled "Ice".
Millicent: And they're having people mail ice to the Ice Queen. It makes no sense. It melts. We just end up with wet boxes.
Millicent takes the boxes to Spencer.
Carly checks her phone.
Carly: Well. It's official. The internet hates me!
Freddie and Harper didn't listen. They drank from their mimosa glasses.
Carly: This is where you guys go, "No, no".
Spencer, Freddie, and Harper: No, no.
Millicent: Don't tell me what to do.
***
Opening Credits
***
Bushwell Plaza, Harper's apartment.
Millicent and Spencer watch Harper feed a Pomeranian named Kevin. Kevin is seen wearing a lobster bib.
Millicent: Oh, you're so lucky Double Dutch left Kevin with you while she's on tour. I scraped my knee earlier and she came over with a slipper. It wasn't what I needed, but it was so cute.
Spencer: The dog still hates you?
Harper: Yes. And if Kevin hates me, Dutch is going to hate me too. This is the fourth meal I made her today. (baby talk) But this beautiful little idiot won't eat anything I feed her. No, she won't! (angrily) No, she won't.
Carly walks in, pulling a whiteboard.
Carly: Okay. It's all hands on deck. The Weau Bros Show's latest video has me hemorrhaging subscribers. I need to win back the internet.
Millicent: Can't handle the pressure of being the main character, huh?
Carly: I cannot. Hit me. No bad ideas. How do I go from Ice Queen, to Nice Queen?
Spencer: Queen Latifah! Is that anything?
Carly: Writing it down!
Spencer: Yeah!
Carly: Millicent, go!
Millicent: Um, pass.
Carly: Writing that down, too. Harper?
Carly is about to write on the whiteboard.
Freddie walks in with a woman named Pearl.
Freddie: Everyone, meet Dr. Pearl Wallace. She's the Kevin app's certified animal therapist.
Spencer: (points to Pearl) We already met on Zoom.
Carly: Wait, what's a "certified animal therapist"?
Pearl: A pet psychic with student loan debt.
Freddie and Pearl walk up to Harper.
Freddie: Pearl's here to help with Kevin. (whispers) We can hear you two fighting all the way down the hall.
Harper: All right, then. Let's see what you can do, Little Miss Wild Thornberry.
Pearl: Her drop-dead exterior is masking a seething inner rage.
Harper: Then we should be connecting better! 'Cause that's my whole deal, too!
Pearl holds out a dog treat.
Pearl: You want a treat, you majestic floof?
Kevin turns her head back.
Pearl: It's not the food you feed the dog, it's the energy you feed the dog.
Harper: I know you're helping, but I hate you.
Freddie turns his head to Pearl.
Freddie: If she meant that, you'd be crying already. Thanks again for coming.
Pearl: I can never leave a dog or my favorite CEO in distress.
Freddie: You're my favorite certified animal therapist. You're the only one I know, but still, congrats.
Pearl smiles, then Freddie smiles back. She leaves.
Pearl: Bye.
Freddie: Bye.
Pearl: I'll see you at the launch party.
Spencer: See you on Zoom.
Carly: Bye.
Pearl: Bye.
Pearl closes the door as she walks out.
Freddie: Speaking of the launch party, how's the planning going, Spence?
Spencer: Amazing. We're going private. I thought we could all eat with our hands tied to our backs like the animals do.
Freddie: Spencer, I'm still trying to rebuild our reputation after my last failed start-up, and this is my opportunity to prove that I'm a serious businessman. This party needs to be the opposite of lit, so let's get... dim?
Millicent walks to Freddie.
Millicent: I can keep an eye on Spencer.
Freddie: Good idea. Millicent is great at serious parties. The theme of her tenth birthday was the Magna Carta.
Millicent: Tenth and eleventh. Establishing the power of law is not something that could be contained to one afternoon at a Build-a-Bear.
Carly: Great. That's settled. Now, help me. Please. I know I said that there are no bad ideas, but... are you seeing this whiteboard?
Freddie walks to the whiteboard.
Carly: You gotta top Queen Latifah.
Spencer: Pfft. With what?!
Spencer walks out.
