Big Time Rush - Big Time Christmas Transcript

Scene starts off with a book. The cover read "A Big Time Christmas".

Narrator: 'Twas the morning before Christmas, and L.A. was hopping. And the boys were up early doing last-minute shopping.

A hand opens the book.

Transition to episode.

***

Department store exterior. Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan are waiting in line in cold weather.

Logan: Who shops at 5AM on Christmas Eve day?

James: Us. 'Cause we didn't shop for anyone except Gustavo.

Carlos: Who's gonna love his gift!

Kendall: And for everyone else, we can save up to 70% at TKSimmons' Last-Minute Shoppers' Super Sale.

James: All our shopping in one location, at low, low prices.

Carlos: It's the perfect shopping holiday experience!

A woman who is standing behind Carlos looks at him.

Woman: Is this your first 5AM super sale?

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Yeah.

A woman who is standing in front of Logan looks at the boys.

Woman #2: Good luck.

Logan: "Good luck"? What does that mean?

***

Inside the store.

Shoppers were causing a commotion, fighting and tugging onto clothes, and other items and yelling.

Kendall and Woman #1 are fighting over a sweater.

Kendall: It's for my mom!

Woman: Back off!

Woman #2 was tackling James. He uses a pillow to hit the woman.

Carlos and another woman are banging pans. Another woman in a yellow sweater falls on Carlos.

Kendall and the woman continue to fight over the sweater. He lets go. Logan pops out of a counter holding two clothes.

Logan: I got it! Aah!

A woman runs into Logan.

TKSimmons exterior.

James, Kendall, and Carlos run out of the store with shopping bags.

Carlos: (exhausted) We did it! Christmas shopping is done!

James: We have no idea what we got, but the savings were incredible.

Kendall: Wait! Where's Logan?

Logan is leaving in a woman's shopping cart. He has a present bow on top of his head.

Logan: Aah! I think I got bought.

James, Kendall, and Carlos run to Logan.

***

Opening Credits

***

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

James, Kendall, and Carlos are pushing Logan in the shopping cart while they carry shopping bags.

Camille walks in holding a present.

Camille: Merry Christmas. Don't open it until tomorrow. (hands present to Logan)

Logan: Thank you. And, uh, here's my present to you. (rummages through the bags and hands Camille a canned ham)

Camille: A canned ham.

Logan: Or, would you prefer a....

The boys rummage through the bags. Logan takes out a candle.

Logan: A scented candle.

Camille decides.

Camille: I'll keep the ham.

Camille gives Logan a kiss on the cheek.

Camille: And I will see you guys next year. 

Camille leaves.

Kendall: Onward, Santa's helpers!

James, Logan, Carlos: Ho, ho, ho!

James, Kendall, and Carlos push Logan in the shopping cart. They go to the elevator. Jo walks to the boys.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Stop!

Kendall: Right there until you get your Christmas gift.

Kendall hands Jo a picture frame with a picture of a baby framed. The frame read "Baby's 1st Birthday".

Jo: "Baby's first birthday" frame.

Kendall: No.

Carlos hands Kendall a gift bow. Kendall sticks the bow to the frame.

Kendall: It's our first Christmas frame, or it will be if you put a picture of us in it.

Jo smiles. A boy named Jett has a gift. Jo turns to him.

Jett: And here's my gift to you.

Jett is holding a tablet with a bow on the screen. He swipes to a screen reading a Christmas message.

Jo: Wow, Jett. An iSlab?

Jett: And it's pre-loaded with pics. Of us.

Jett swipes the tablet screen to reveal pictures of him and Jo.

Jett: Huh? Oh, that's right! You don't have a hit TV show with a fat, 3-year contract like me. (laughs)

Jo rolls her eyes.

Kendall: Yes, but you don't have 3 friends who are hockey players. Like me.

Kendall snaps his fingers. James, Logan, and Carlos appear behind Jett. They tackle Jett.

Jett: Huh? Oh, no! No! Be careful! Don't! Guys, I bruise easily! 

Jett: And this is my gift to you. (shows Kendall a hockey stick wrapped with wrapping paper with a mistletoe stuck on top)

Kendall: I wonder what it could be.

Jo moves the hockey stick up and down. A string rolled out with a mistletoe stuck on.

Jo: Just kiss me under the mistletoe.

Jo and Kendall kiss.

Logan, James, and Carlos walk in, whistling.

The Jennifers, three girls all named Jennifer walk out of the elevator. Carlos turns to the girls. 

Carlos: Oh, give me that. 

Carlos walks to Kendall and snatches the mistletoe hockey stick. He walks up to the girls.

Carlos: Hey, girls. Mistletoe. Now you gotta kiss me. (puckers lips)

Jennifers: No. We have to catch a flight.

The Jennifers walk out. Carlos feels sad.

The Jennifers walk up to Carlos.

Jennifers: Oh, what the heck. It's Christmas.

The Jennifers kiss Carlos and leave.

James: My turn!

James snatches the mistletoe hockey stick from Carlos.

James: So, who's the lucky lady gonna be?

James walks to the elevator. The elevator doors open, revealing a large group of girls.

Girls: Mistletoe!

The girls tackle James. He screams. The elevator doors close.

Kendall and Carlos push Logan in the shopping cart. They go to the Knights' hotel room.

Jennifer, Kendall's mom was busy arranging gifts. She gets scared and drops the gifts. 

Kendall: Don't look! We got your presents, but they're not wrapped.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos hide the bags.

Jennifer: Well, all of these are. And I need help packing. I have to get all of these presents in the carry-on bag so we don't get charged a fortune.

Katie: Who cares? Tomorrow is Christmas. With toys, and snow, and toys!

Jennifer: Christmas is not about toys. It's about giving and being with the people that you love.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and Katie turn to each other.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Katie: No, it's about toys.

James walks in, with tattered clothes and kiss marks on his cheeks.

James: Mistletoe. Bad.

James faints.

Jennifer: Okay. Our flight leaves in 5 hours, so, who's helping?

Kendall: Oh, all of us, but first, we've gotta go give Gustavo his amazing present.

Kendall shows Jennifer a packing envelope.

Carlos: Ooh! Don't forget about Kelly.

Kendall: Right.

The boys rummage through the bags.

Logan: Does anyone know if she likes regular track shoes?

Logan takes out track shoes from the bag.

***

Rocque Records office.

Gustavo, who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt carries luggage. Kelly carries the rest.

Gustavo: Dogs. Let's make this quick, because (singsong voice) I'm going to Fiji for the holidays!

The boys turn to each other.

Gustavo: Okay, it's not my best song ever, but who cares? I'm going to Fiji! 

Kendall: Well, we just wanted to give you this.

James shows Gustavo a packing envelope.

Carlos: We ordered it special.

James hands the package to Gustavo.

Gustavo: Ooh. (opens package)

Gustavo finds a pair of red pajamas.

Gustavo: Pajamas? Really?

Kendall: Every Christmas, we wear our PJs all day long.

James: It's our holiday tradition. 

Gustavo: Yeah, I'm not doing that. (drops pajamas)

Logan: And this is for you.

Logan hands Kelly a panini press with an alarm clock on top.

Kelly: Oh. It's a panini alarm clock. It's what I just wanted.

Logan: Or...

The boys rummage through the bags. James takes out a watering can shaped like a pig.

James: We could offer you this pig watering can.

Carlos takes out a nutcracker that looks like a rock star.

Carlos: Ooh. Or this rock star nutcracker.

Kelly: I'll stick with this.

Kendall: So what'd you get us?

Gustavo: That is a surprise.

The boys get excited.

Gustavo: (to Kelly) Kelly, get them something surprising for Christmas and ship it to them. Let the holidays begin!

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Gustavo and Kelly get excited. As they are about to head out, they are stopped by Griffin.

Griffin: Great news, everyone. I've decided to release a Big Time Rush Christmas EP. Since it will bring your fans lots of holiday joy. And me, lots of holiday money. 

Kelly: So, you're putting extended mixes in Christmas packaging.

Griffin: No. I'm putting Christmas songs in Christmas packaging. 

Gustavo: Uh, we haven't recorded any Christmas songs. 

Griffin: Well, then you better get started, because no one is going anywhere, until I get my holiday songs. 

All: What?

***

Rocque Records office, recording studio.

Gustavo: Three Christmas songs and make our flight by tonight?! It can't be done! 

Griffin: Sure it can. It's called a Christmas miracle. 

Carlos: Oh, like me getting kissed by the Jennifers today? 

James: Oh, I heard this old lady lost her artificial leg, right? And found it next morning in her stocking.

Griffin: See? I want the songs available for download tonight. Now, since it's Christmas Eve, I'm off to the office to fire some people. I will check in with you later. 

Griffin leaves.

Kendall: We should do this. I think it would be nice to give our fans a Christmas gift.

Gustavo: I can't write three songs in three hours. 

Kelly walks to the wall full of record plaques. She points to one for "Yard Squirrel Christmas" selling 1,000,000 copies.

Kelly: Actually, you wrote "Yard Squirrel Christmas" in five minutes and it's still your biggest selling single, ever.

***

A record player is playing a song with sped-up vocals. Next to the record player is the cartoony cover for "Yard Squirrel Christmas".

Sped-up voices: (singing) It's a Yard Squirrel Christmas, but all we hear is this... 

Gustavo: (yelling) YARD SQUIRRELS!!!! 

***

Gustavo: It was just a stupid novelty song with sped-up voices and I hated it. 

Carlos: Hey, I loved that song. 

All: Everybody loved that song. 

Gustavo: I write the best pop songs in the world. And I will NOT be remembered for some stupid squirrel song. 

Kendall: Well, then, it's time to write a new Christmas classic. 

Carlos: You can do it, Gustavo. You're a genius. 

James: You have the power to get us home for Christmas.

Kelly: And get yourself to Fiji. 

Gustavo: Get me blank music sheets, 13 candy canes, and a cup of cocoa with marshmallows piled high. Because we're about to pull off a Big Time Christmas miracle. 

The gang cheers.

***

Palm Woods hotel, Knights' hotel room.

Katie is busy packing up a suitcase.

Katie: (singing) Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree. Won't you help me close this stupid...  

The suitcase gets full and Katie sits down.

Jennifer: Katie, those are the presents! 

Katie: I can't help it. It's almost Christmas. And I'm jonesing for holiday cheer. 

Jennifer: Hey, there is plenty of cheeriness around here. Look at our tree.

A mini Christmas tree sits on top of the countertop with only a few ornaments put on. One ornament falls off and shatters.

Jennifer: Well, you can help me pack these presents or you can check the lobby for your Christmas cheer. 

Katie runs out. Jennifer is stressed after finding out she has a lot of presents.

***

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

Katie finds that the lobby is not decorated. Mr. Bitters walks in.

Katie: Dude, this is the saddest lobby, ever. Where is the big tree? Where is the tinsel? Where are the blinking lights? 

Mr. Bitters: Where's the people? Gone for the holidays. So, I don't need to decorate. And I can't wait for you and the hockey hits to leave because I love my Palm Woods empty. 

Katie: Seriously? You're not going to hang one ornament? 

Mr. Bitters: You want some holiday cheer? (takes out a moldy candy cane) Found this in the laundry room. Have a Palm Woods Christmas.

Katie takes the candy cane.

Katie: I'm eating this. 

***

Rocque Records office.

Gustavo is thinking of a melody. The boys are busy playing games.

Gustavo: (Humming) No. (Humming, singing) And wonderful, and... (blows raspberry, sings) Have your merry, wonderful...

Kendall: Anything?

Gustavo: Great Christmas songs don't just happen. I need to be in a Christmassy mood!

The boys are playing their handheld video games.

James: Can we help you?

Kelly shrugs.

Gustavo: How?

Kendall: Well, whenever we want to get into a Christmassy mood...

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: (in unison) We just get into our...

The boys hide behind the couch and come out wearing pajamas.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: (in unison) PJs! Whoo-ooh!

Gustavo looked flabbergasted. Kelly is shocked.

Kelly: How do they do that?

Logan: They're cottony, holiday joy.

Logan and Kendall hold an extra pair.

Gustavo: Yeah, I'm not wearing PJs.

Logan and Kendall drop the extra pair of pajamas.

Carlos: Uh... we could try decorating the place.

Kelly: Ooh! I've always wanted to decorate the studio for Christmas.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Bingo!

Gustavo: Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea. Let's just waste a couple hours driving around town (loudly) and buying Christmas decorations.

Kendall: What are you talking about? Every company in this building is already gone for the holidays.

Carlos: Yeah. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we "borrowed" some decorations.

Kelly smirks. Gustavo takes off his sunglasses.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Go, go, go!

Musical montage.

The boys run to a door labeled "Jambox, Inc.". They run inside.

The boys run out of the door holding garland and wreaths.

Outside the Rocque Records building. The boys are standing in front of a guy in a Santa suit ringing a bell next to a donation bank. 

The boys sing their song "Beautiful Christmas".

A man puts money in the donation bank.

Rocque Records building.

Logan and James put up a wreath.

James and Kendall move a coffee table.

Logan and Carlos move a couch.

Kelly sits in a chair.

Logan and Carlos lift up the chair while Kelly is still sitting in it.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

Rocque Records building.

Logan and James move a piano.

Carlos and Kendall pop out from behind the piano and put potted poinsettias on top of it.

Kelly puts up a wreath.

Kendall helps her plug it in. The wreath lit up.

Logan puts a stool in front of the piano.

Gustavo sits in the stool. He cracks his knuckles.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

The boys run to a door labeled "Dewey, Cheetum & Howe". They run inside.

The boys run out of the door carrying two parts of a foam mantle.

Rocque Records building.

Gustavo sits by the piano, writing a song.

Kendall and Logan put up a fake brick wall.

James and Carlos put up a fake mantle.

The boys run out of a door carrying a couch.

Rocque Records building.

Kendall and Carlos move a couch.

James takes down a wall painting.

Kelly puts up a framed painting.

Gustavo holds up his cup of hot cocoa. Kelly walks up to him and puts a couple of large marshmallows in his cup.

Kendall and Logan put the garland on top of the mantle.

Recording studio.

Kelly wraps Gustavo with lights.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

People shove loads of money in the donation bank.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Kelly puts more large marshmallows in Gustavo's cup.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

People put money in the donation bank.

Rocque Records building.

James carries a table with a potted poinsettia.

Carlos rolls out a rug.

James and Kendall put a table on top of the rug.

Kelly puts a bowl of candy canes on the table. Carlos, James, and Kendall reach into the bowl.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Outside the Rocque Records building. 

The boys sing and dance.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Gustavo and Kelly dance.

Rocque Records building.

James puts up curtains.

Carlos hangs up stockings.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Gustavo and Kelly dance.

The boys run to a door labeled "Big Tree Corporation". They run inside.

The boys run out of the door carrying a Christmas tree.

Rocque Records building.

The boys decorate the tree.

Carlos and Kendall carry a TV. They put it by the fake mantle.

Kelly jumps on the couch and puta on a plaid fleece blanket. She holds a remote and turns on the TV.

The TV showed footage of a burning yule log.

Kelly high-fives Logan and James.

Recording studio.

The boys sing in the sound booth.

Kelly hugs Gustavo.

Rocque Records building.

The boys sing as Gustavo plays the piano.

Montage ends.

The boys and Gustavo turn and admire the decorated office.

Griffin, wearing pajamas that look like a suit, sits on the couch, holding a cup of hot cocoa. One of Griffin's assistants pretends to roast marshmallows by the fake fire on the TV.

Griffin: See? Christmas miracles do happen.

Griffin and his assistant, who was also wearing pajamas that looked like a suit and tie, walk up to the boys, Gustavo, and Kelly.

Griffin: And thanks for the PJs, boys. They make me feel so Christmassy.

Kelly: Christmassy enough to let us release a single instead of an EP?

Griffin: Ho-ho-ho, no.

Gustavo: Buergh!

Griffin: And make the other two celebrity duets.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Kelly: CELEBRITY DUETS?!

Gustavo: How are we supposed to get celebrities to sing with Big Time Rush on Christmas Eve?

Griffin: It's easy. You just get some celebrities and sing with them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to a soup kitchen to remind myself how lucky I am on Christmas.

Griffin takes a candy cane.

Griffin: Bye-bye.

Griffin and his assistant walk out.

Logan: You mean, bye-bye Christmas in Minnesota.

Gustavo plays the "ah-ah-ah-oh-ohh" part of the Big Time Rush theme song on the piano.

Kendall faints on the couch.

***

The scene turns into a book page.

Narrator: As Kendall fell back, the boys stood listless – for Griffin may have crushed their Minnesota Christmas.

***

***

A hand turns the page.

Narrator: So with just hours to catch their holiday jets, the gang prayed for another miracle and two celebrity duets.

Transition to episode.

***

Rocque Records building.

Kelly: I just pushed back all our flights four hours.

Gustavo: And how are we doing on the celebrity search?

Kendall: I just got off the phone with Lady Gaga's people.

Gustavo: Ooh, what did she say?

Kendall: "Who's Big Time Rush?"

Kelly grumbles.

Gustavo: What about Jordin Sparks?

Logan: Out of town for the holidays. Just like every other celebrity we could sing with.

Logan closes his laptop.

Gustavo grumbles.

Carlos: Hey, but on the bright side, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is very interested.

Gustavo and Kelly shrug.

Carlos: Second man to walk on the moon!

Gustavo: Oh. (chuckles)

James: There's gotta be some celebrity who's still in town!

James' fist hits the TV remote. The TV switches from the yule log to a TV promo for a Christmas special hosted by Miranda Cosgrove.

Commercial.

Miranda: So join me, Miranda Cosgrove, for my "Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas" special, live from Los Angeles.

Rocque Records building.

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly look surprised.

Commercial.

Miranda: With duets from all your favorite stars, like international superstar Fabio, Lightning the TV Wonder Dog, and...

Commercial pauses.

The boys run to the TV.

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan: Big Time Rush!

Gustavo: How?

Carlos: It'll be another Christmas miracle.

***

Palm Woods hotel, Knights' hotel room.

Katie walks inside and notices Jennifer packing up a suitcase, surrounded by other suitcases.

Jennifer: Did you find your holiday cheer?  

Katie: I found Bitters. He's a holiday killjoy.

Jennifer: Well, honey, not everybody loves the holidays.  

Katie: How could anybody not love the time of joy, family and presents?

Jennifer: Well, not everybody has a joyful family to spend time with, and share presents, and some people actually find Christmas to be very... (Attempts to zip up the zipper in a suitcase) stressful. But not me, because all the presents are packed and ready to go!

Katie: Okay, but what about the clothes?

Katie points to a large pile of clothes on a table.

Jennifer: (stressed) I don't know!

Jennifer sulks on top of a suitcase. She hears a door open and gets up in relief. 

Jennifer: Katie?

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

Katie walks in.

Katie: How could anybody not like Christmas? 

Katie notices the lobby is empty. She looks out a glass door to find Mr. Bitters is sitting by the pool eating lunch.

Katie pouts.

***

TV studio.

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly are standing by a bush thinking of a plan to get in the studio.

Kelly: So, what's the plan?

Gustavo: The plan is, there is no plan if we can't get into the studio!

Gustavo notices a woman walking into the studio showing her ID to the security guard.

James: Easy. All we gotta do is get past security.

Carlos and Logan: Piece o' cake.

Security guard: No entry if you're not on the list.

The security guard throws a man out of the studio.

Kendall: Don't panic. Remember, there's one guy who's on everybody's list.

Gustavo is seen in a Santa Claus costume.

Gustavo: Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.

Gustavo walks with the boys and Kelly, who are seen dressed up as elves. The security guard gets distracted and stops Gustavo, the boys, and Kelly from getting in the studio.

Gustavo: Ho-ho... oh.

Security guard: Seriously. You thought I'd believe you were Santa? And his elves?

Gustavo: But I am Santa.

Logan, Kelly, James, Kendall, and Carlos: (high-pitched voices) We're here to see Miranda. (giggling)

***

The security guard throws the gang out.

Gustavo: You just made my naughty list, pal!

Kelly is seen dressed as a delivery man carrying two large presents on a dolly.

Kelly: (deep voice) 'Sup? Special delivery for Miranda Cosgrove.

The security guard blocks Kelly.

Security guard: All packages must be inspected.

Kelly: Yo, you can't open Miranda's presents, dude.

The security guard takes a bite of his sub sandwich. Kelly looked nervous.

***

 

The security guard throws out Kelly and pushes out the dolly holding the presents that Gustavo and the boys were hiding in.

Kelly: I knew this was a bad idea!

Gustavo, Kelly, and the boys are seen wearing traditional German outfits while clog dancing their way inside.

James: (German accent) Hallo. We are the Von Streusel Family Christmas Clog Dancers, ja.

All: Ja!

Kendall: (German accent) We are here to dance for ze TV program.

Kelly smiles.

Security guard: Well, let's see you dance.

The gang dances to the left.

Security guard: The other way.

The gang dances to the right.

Kelly: Step on it, guys!

The gang runs inside, until they get stopped by the security guard.

Security guard: I have had enough of you--

The security guard chokes.

Carlos: I think he's choking. 

The security guard continues choking, before he falls over.

Gustavo: It's another Christmas miracle. 

The gang runs, before they stop to turn to the security guard.

Logan: Okay. We might be horrible people... 

The gang runs to the security guard. They try to help him up. He coughs up something in Gustavo's face.

Gustavo: That was gross. 

Security guard: Thanks. Who are you guys? 

Kendall: We're Big Time Rush and we just want to get home for the holidays. 

All: Please, please. We have to go, we have to. 

Security guard: Well, merry Christmas. 

The security guard drops his clipboard. He leans over.

Security guard: I dropped my clipboard and I'm distracted and can't see you. 

The gang runs out.

The security guard gets up and grabs his clipboard. He smiles and walks away.

***

Palm Woods hotel lobby.

Mr. Bitters: Goodbye. Have a Palm Woods holiday. 

Katie walks in, carrying a mini Christmas tree.

Katie: Hey, so we're leaving tonight and I can't take this with us so I thought maybe you would like it. (puts tree on Mr. Bitters' desk)

Mr. Bitters: Oh, how thoughtful. A holiday hand-me-down to get pine needles all over my lobby. No, thank you.(slides tree back to Katie) 

Katie: Look, I just thought would you use some holiday cheer, you know brighten up your day. (slides tree back to Mr. Bitters) 

Mr. Bitters: If you want to brighten up my day, then get on your plane and leave instead of giving me a Christmas weed. (picks up tree and throws it in a trash can)

Katie: Well, merry Christmas, I guess. 

Mr. Bitters looks around and sees Katie leaving. After she leaves, he picks up the mini tree from the trash and decorates it, while humming "O Tannenbaum". 

Katie peeks out to look at Mr. Bitters. She shakes her head and leaves.

Mr. Bitters continues to hum and admire the tree.

Palm Woods hotel, Knights' hotel room.

Katie walks inside.

Jennifer: Katie, guess how we're going to get all of our presents and our clothes on the plane without being charged a thing. 

Katie: We're going to wear all of our clothes. 

Jennifer is seen wearing layers and layers of winter clothing.

Jennifer: We're going to wear all of our clothes. (turns around) 

Katie: Mom, we're lucky to have each other during the holidays. Aren't we? 

Jennifer: Of course. Being with family for the holidays is what it's all about, honey. Honey, help Mommy!

Suddenly, Jennifer is about to fall over. Katie tries to help her.

Jennifer: Going down!

They both fall over. 

***

TV studio.

In front of a wintery backdrop, Miranda Cosgrove is showing a pair of colorful mittens to actors dressed in bear costumes.

Miranda: Homemade mittens? Baby Bear, this present is just right.

(SFX: Audience in awe, growling.)

Baby Bear claps.

Miranda: Now that's what I call a beary Christmas. 

Announcer: Coming up next Miranda's duet with superstar Fabio when "Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas" returns. 

Crew member: That's commercial.

Miranda and the actors get up. She walks to the producer.

Miranda: Eh, bears are funny. 

Producer: Okay, you've got five minutes to change and get ready for your duet with Fabio.

They walk out.

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Gustavo, and Kelly peek out from a set piece.

Gustavo: All we have to do is get dreamboat Fabio to not make his performance.

Kendall: The producer will freak. How are we going to replace Fabio in such short notice?

Carlos: That's when we show up, when we're checking on a show. 

Logan: Hey, do you need somebody to sing a duet with Miranda? 

James: We're Big Time Rush. We're a band. 

Kelly: We record the song, and boom. Christmas miracle number two. 

Gustavo: And me and Kelly hack into the soundboard, and record the whole thing. 

The gang breaks out.

Gustavo: Good luck. 

The boys peek out from a set piece.

Kendall: Okay. Now how do we keep Fabio from stepping on that stage?

They hide as a crew member pushes a costume bin with the bear family costumes.

The boys peek out again and hatch a plan.

Dressing room.

Three of the boys, wearing the bear costumes walk in.

Fabio is seen sitting on a couch next to a box reading "Fabio's Pocket Griller". He is sipping a cup of hot cocoa, wearing a sweater reading "Xmas".

Fabio: Oh, hello, Christmas bears.

The bears wave.

Fabio: Oh, by the way, hilarious sketch. 

The bears slowly walk up to Fabio.

Fabio: Can I help you with something?

The bears continue to slowly walk up to Fabio.

Fabio: You are freaking me out now. 

(SFX: Growling)

The bears capture Fabio and trap him in a costume bin.

Hallway.

The bears help Logan push the bin.

Logan: All right, we're going live. 

Fabio: (inside bin) Let me out.

Logan: I'm gonna sing here.

Fabio: This is not beary nice. 

The gang pushes the bin, only for them to notice Miranda walking with the producer.

Logan: Miranda, Miranda! 

The gang pushes the cart to another dressing room. Suddenly, Miranda and the producer are walking up to the second dressing room.

When the gang arrived in the dressing room, Logan hurriedly closes the door.

Logan: Please tell me this isn't whose dressing room I think it is. 

Carlos takes off the Baby Bear head, while James takes off the Mama Bear head and Kendall takes off the Papa Bear head.

James: And who might not like that we kidnapped her guest star! 

Fabio: Let me out!

Miranda and the producer open the door and the boys get scared.

Miranda: What's going on here? 

Fabio frees himself from the bin.

Fabio: Oh, Miranda, help! 

Carlos tries to confront Fabio.

Fabio: Oh, no. Not Big Time Rush again. 

Kendall: Miranda, do you believe in Christmas miracles?

Miranda and the producer turn to each other, confused.

***

The scene turns into a book page.

Narrator: As Miranda stared daggers, the boys began to fret. Would this be their worst Big Time Christmas yet?

***

***

A hand turns the page.

Narrator: Back to our Big Time Christmas now full of scares for Miranda had just caught Logan and his three bears.

Transition to episode.

***

Dressing room.

Producer: You're all going to jail for Christmas. 

Kendall: Oh no, don't call the police. We're allergic to police. 

Logan: We weren't Fabio-napping. We were just hiding him so we could sing with Miranda. Sorry, Fabio? 

Carlos: Look, if we don't record thee songs by today, our grinchy CEO won't let us go home for Christmas. 

James: We're Big Time Rush, we're a band. 

Miranda: They're really cute. 

Producer: They locked Fabio in a costume bin! 

Miranda: Yeah, but they're really cute. 

Producer: My daughter does love their album. 

Fabio: And they did put some tasty snacks (shows a plate of fruits) and a movie to watch for me. (shows a DVD player) And by the way, I'm a horrible singer. 

Miranda: He's right, he's a horrible singer. 

Carlos: (sings) And we can sing... 

Kendall: (sings) Sing... 

Logan: (sings) Sing... 

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan: (singing) Sing.

Kendall: So, how are we doing? 

Miranda: Honestly... it could go either way. 

***

TV studio, set.

Gustavo and Kelly are hiding behind the soundboard.

Kelly: Okay. The producer should be freaking out looking for a replacement for Fabio by now. 

Gustavo: Which means either a miracle happened and the dogs are in wardrobe, or they got caught and we're going to jail for Christmas. 

(SFX: Bell rings.)

Filming starts.

Announcer: Welcome back to "Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas". 

(SFX: Doorbell.) 

Pan to Miranda walking down a staircase.

Miranda: Hey. I hope it's the Christmas pizza I've ordered. 

Cut to soundboard.

Gustavo and Kelly give anticipated looks.

Cut to front door.

Miranda opens the door. Fabio comes in, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a pizza box.

Fabio: Hey, Miranda.

Cut to soundboard.

Gustavo and Kelly grumble in anger.

Cut to front door.

Miranda: It's Fabio's Pizza Delivery.

Fabio winks and opens the pizza box to reveal a pizza topped with candy canes and peppermints.

Fabio: I got you candy cane peppermint pizza. 

(SFX: Audience laughing.)

Miranda: Yum. What took you so long? 

Fabio: I got stuck in the snow. 

Miranda: How did you get out?

Fabio: Well, you know, some guys came along and helped me. 

The Big Time Rush boys come in.

Carlos: Hey, what's up Miranda? 

James: Hey. Merry Christmas. 

Cut to soundboard.

Gustavo and Kelly give excited looks.

Cut to front door.

Miranda: Big Time Rush.

Cut to soundboard.

Kelly: Press record! Press record!

Gustavo: Fiji, here I come! 

Gustavo presses record.

Cut to front door.

(Song starts)

Miranda: Do you guys want to join me for a song? 

Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan: Yeah, let's do it.

***

Performance.

Miranda comes down a staircase singing "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

James walks down the stairs with her, singing his solo.

Carlos walks down, singing his solo.

iCarly (2021) - iStart Over Transcript

Bushwell Plaza, Shays' living room.

Carly walks in with a party tray.

Carly: I am so ready for this.

Carly puts down the party tray. She turns on the light. Suddenly she gets distracted by her brother Spencer dancing and wearing nothing except for an apron. Spencer screams.

Spencer: What are you doing here?

Carly: Setting up for a romantic evening with my boyfriend. I would’ve done it at my place, but rich people have such nice lighting. What are you doing here?!

Spencer: I’m the rich person with the nice lighting that owns this apartment. Wait, you and Beau, that’s tonight? Don’t look at this. (walks behind a sculpture consisting of a giant ampersand and covers it with his arms)

Carly: What is that giant gold monstrosity?

Spencer: It’s a gift I made for you. 

Carly: Oh, I love it.

Freddie walks in.

Freddie: Did I miss anything? Oh, you gave it to her without me?

Spencer: Yeah. And her reaction was priceless.

Spencer walks and he and Spencer stand on opposite sides of the giant ampersand.

Freddie: Just a little something for you and Beau as you begin this beautiful journey together as partners.

Freddie presses a button. Lights on the giant ampersand turn on.

Freddie: We thought you could stand on either side of it and be all…

Spencer and Freddie do poses.

Carly: Thank you. Wow, I can’t believe Beau is going to propose that we do a channel together.

Carly picks up the party tray.

Carly: After years of doing “iCarly” with Sam, and then hosting Italian QVC, and then my brief stint in college radio, (puts down party tray) I’m finally going to be back online where I belong, with a partner who I love and trust. (picks up phone) Now, where should I put my phone so I could secretly record him?

Spencer: Now that’s true love.

Carly: I told all the “iCarly” fans to tune in to my livestream. Beau asking me to do a channel together, that’s good content. Why waste it?

Freddie: Couldn’t agree more, which is why after Spencer designed this sculpture, I outfitted it with a sneaky little spot for a camera. (puts phone in between the first hole of the giant ampersand) Mmmm…boop.

Carly: Freddie, this is why we stayed friends all these years, you creepy genius. 

Spencer: I actually did the whole making it part, so, you know, who's the real creepy genius?

Carly: This is so exciting. I’ve been wanting to start my own channel again, but I didn’t want to do it by myself. You know what? He’s probably going to be here any minute and I love you guys so much, but get.

Freddie and Spencer run away.

Carly runs to her camera, where she’s live-streaming.

Carly: Hey, everyone. I know it’s been a while, but you guys are in for something really exciting.

Beau, a handsome, long haired guy walks in.

Beau: Carly?

Carly: Beau?

Beau: Hey. Cool shape.

Carly: Yeah, it’s an “and” symbol for Carly and Beau. Doesn’t that make you just wanna stand on either side of it and be all… (makes a pose)

Beau: Sure. Kind of. But for now, let’s sit and be all... (makes a handsome pose)

Beau sits down.

Beau: Carly, we do a lot of things together.

Carly: I know. It’s so great.

Beau: We date. We share a Spotify account. You came with me to the podiatrist.

Carly: I just get you.

Beau: So, I think it’s only natural we…

Carly: (talks over Beau) Start a channel together.

Beau: (talks over Carly) …Need some time apart.

Carly doesn’t realize that her camera was still rolling. She and Beau get confused.

Carly and Beau: Wait, what?

Carly: Time apart? Why? 

Spencer: We gotta get the phone. 

Spencer and Freddie are hiding behind a wall.

Beau: You came with me to the podiatrist. 

Carly: Well, yeah, but that's just because your podiatrist is next to the good dumpling place. 

Beau: Could've done takeout. 

Carly: They're not as good at room temperature. Deep down, you know that.

Freddie and Spencer peek out from behind the table.

Beau: I love you. I just need a little space, just for a minute.

Carly’s camera is still rolling.

Carly: Oh, space, yeah. I'm fine with space. I love space. It's really nice because it teaches you to appreciate what you had before you took all the space. So, how long are we talking here, like a week?

Beau: Maybe a little longer.

Fingers come up in front of Carly’s camera lens.

Carly: Two?

Beau: Uh…

Carly: You’re just dumping me, aren’t you?

Freddie: Yah! Yah! (throws Carly’s phone on the ground)

Carly: Now I have a broken heart and a broken phone.

Carly picks up her phone from the ground.

Carly: Awesome. It’s still working and live-streaming everything.

Carly throws her phone back on the ground and stomps on it.

Spencer: I think people will see that it was a mutual thing.

***

Opening Credits

***

Bushwell Plaza, one month later.

Carly, all depressed and draped in a red blanket holding some items, walks into her friend Harper’s apartment. Harper is sitting on the couch reading her magazine. Carly drops the items and slumps over next to Harper’s couch.

Harper: Is it that time of day where you drag your depression down the hall from Spencer’s apartment to ours?

Carly: He’s getting ready for a sculpture premiere party. I just wanna stay here and rewatch every episode of “Law & Order”. The murders will cheer me up.

Harper: We’re going to that party.

Carly: (groans)

Harper: Come on.

Harper pushes Carly up. Carly gets up.

Carly: Harper. You don’t even like Spencer.

Harper: Yes, I do. Why am I lying? The man is a ding-dong. But I do find the dumber the man, the better the party. 

Carly: Of course you want to go. For you, parties are a never-ending buffet of people who want to sleep with you. Cute guys, hot girls, ridiculously gorgeous non-binary lawyers who get your name tattooed on your thigh.

Harper: That only happened twice.

Carly: Me, on the other hand, I feel like my face is now physically incapable of smiling.

Harper sits on the couch next to Carly.

Harper: Carly, look. 

Carly‘s phone rang.

Carly looks at the phone. She gasps and throws it out.

Harper: Beau's calling?

Carly gets up from the couch.

Carly: I can't talk to him. I'm not dating, I'm not making videos. I'm too embarrassed about my life.

Harper: You should be. Your legs look like Eugene Levy's eyebrows.

Carly: You said that was feminist.

Harper: Carly, look. I know this is hard. When my family lost all their money, all I wanted to do is curl up on the deck of our 50-foot sailboat and cry, but I didn’t. You know why?

Carly: Because your dad sunk it for insurance.

Harper: And, because I decided to look at it as an opportunity. I picked myself up, I applied for every job I could think of, and they all said I was unqualified. Then, I got a minimum wage job at Skybucks, and I’m still there four years later.

Carly: It had a happy ending tone, but…

Harper: Because that is happy. Accessorizing that tacky-ass apron made me realize that I want to be a stylist, and now I have a job and a dream and all the half-and-half I can drink.

Carly: You’re lactose intolerant.

Harper: My body, my choice. Go to this party, take the first step, and if you don’t take the first step in those black ankle boots, can I borrow them?

***

Bushwell Plaza, Shays' living room, party.

Spencer talks to a man before running to meet with Freddie as he walks in.

Freddie: Wow, I thought I was here early, but there are so many people here already.

Spencer: They’re servers. I had them dress like guests, so my friends wouldn’t be all, “Ooh, look at Spencer with his waiters and his remodeled apartment and his Swarovski crystal boxer briefs”. Still just a regular guy. 

A server walks up with two martinis.

Server: Gold leaf martini?

Spencer: Yes, please.

Spencer and Freddie both take the martini glasses.

Spencer: You can really taste the gold.

Spencer and Freddie toast and they drink out of the glasses.

Freddie: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Spencer: Hmm.

Freddie: You earned your success. You’re the guy who made the marshmallow White House sculpture. The way that it was half melted to reflect our disintegrating democracy, such a brave statement.

Spencer: It was an accident. I left it next to my cell phone, which broke out into a spontaneous fire. Anyway, now I own a falcon named Jericho.

Freddie: (chuckles) Wow. I clearly did it all wrong. Pursued my dreams, married for love. Two divorces and a failed start-up later, I’m back living with my mom. Maybe instead of figuring out my next tech venture, I’ll just melt some marshmallows.

Spencer: I’ll sue you into the ground. (clicks tongue)

Freddie: (on video) Wow. I clearly did it all wrong. Pursued my dreams, married for love…

Freddie gets angry and runs up to his young stepdaughter Millicent, who was watching a recording of Freddie on video.

Freddie: Millicent, do not post that.

Millicent: Shhh. I’m making content.

Freddie: Told you to stop recording me.

Millicent gives a displeased look.

Freddie: (on video) …I’m back living with my mom.

Millicent gets up from her chair.

Millicent: Just because you adopted me doesn’t make you my dad.

Freddie: Literally, it does. That’s exactly what it means.

Millicent: And send. Can you like it to give it some traction?

Freddie: “Can you like it to give it some traction, please?”

Carly and Harper walk in.

Carly: I’m setting a timer for exactly five minutes. After that, it’s back to numbly eating frozen French fries straight from the bag.

Spencer: Oh, good. You guys came. So what did you bring the host?

Harper: It’s half-and-half. Where’s the bar?

Harper hands Spencer a coffee cup. Spencer points to the bar and Harper walks to the bar. Millicent walks up to Carly.

Millicent: Hi, Carly. How’s retirement going?

Carly: I’m not retired.

Millicent: You haven’t posted for over a month. In internet years, that’s a decade. It's okay, Carly. Go into the light.

Carly: Your channel has two subscribers. I know. I’m one of them.

Millicent: Ugh. Now people are gonna think my channel is for olds.

Spencer: Okay, can I have everyone’s attention, please?

Everyone stops to look at Spencer.

Spencer: Thank you. Okay, while Carly’s still here—

Carly holds up her phone camera.

Carly: One minute, 45 seconds to go.

Spencer: Years ago, I created a sculpture with the most moving parts. Unwittingly breaking a Jonas World Record. I’ve since lost that title, but tonight, I shall reclaim it. Behold, the “Supertastic Sculpture of Stuff…”

Spencer presses the elevator button. The elevator door opens to reveal a sculpture comprised of random items mashed together in one.

Spencer: “Plus”.

The guests applaud.

Carly: Impressive. Is it different from the old one?

Spencer: No, it is the old one, just with more stuff. Hence the plus.

Millicent: I’m not unamused.

Freddie: I’m full-on amused.

Harper: Are we all looking at the same thing? That big ol’ pile of junk?

Spencer: It’s art. Not everyone has to like it. Why don’t you like it?

Harper: It’s just the same thing you did before with a few new pieces, right?

Spencer: Will somebody put down their gold drink and defend me?

Carly: I will. The reason this is genius is—

Carly‘s phone rang.

Carly: And I’m out. Night, guys.

Carly walks out.

Spencer: Freddie, finish her thought, please.

Freddie: Okay, umm… 

Carly opens the door to find a boy named Luke.

Luke: Carly? Carly Shay from Camp Lakehorn?

Carly: Luke? Luke Tyler also from Camp Lakehorn?

Luke: Are you leaving?

Carly: No, I’m just holding the door for your girlfriend.

Luke: I’m single.

Carly slams the door.

Carly: Oh my God, we have so much in common.

Carly and Luke walk together.

***

Bushwell Plaza, Shays’ living room, party.

Luke: I can't believe we found each other again. I just want to know everything about you. What does your dad do? 

Carly: Well, he's in the Air Force but was somehow on a submarine. And... I'm not exactly sure.

Luke: Okay. What's your mom like? 

Carly: Uh... I... let's go back to my dad.

Harper: So, you hot-glued a bunch of random stuff on there, to keep a plaque, then threw yourself a party?

Spencer: It’s not a plaque. It’s a certificate. I need to eat my feelings.

Spencer steals a sushi roll from a man holding a tray.

Spencer: Not a waiter?

Spencer puts the sushi roll back on the tray.

Carly and Luke sit by each other on the couch.

Carly: When I got back from Italy, I went to college. I tried theater and media studies, but I felt like I got more out of doing “iCarly” than at any boring old lecture. So what do you do?

Luke: I’m a college professor.

Carly: But I bet whatever you teach is super meaningful.

Luke: I specialize in the mouthfeel of certain viscous foods.

Carly: Yep, super meaningful.

Freddie and a beautiful dirty blonde haired girl are talking to each other.

Freddie: Trust me, I am in no place to date.

Girl: See, just that self-awareness tells me you totally are.

Millicent walks up to Freddie.

Millicent: They’re out of spicy tuna cones, so I’m going to dip. (passes cup to Freddie)

Freddie: That’s my stepdaughter. I share custody with my ex, who divorced me and took all of my nice shirts.

Freddie’s mom, Mrs. Benson runs in.

Mrs. Benson: There you are. Millicent, I drew your bath, and Freddie— Freddie! I put your warm milk in your Thermos next to your bed. And if you’re both good, I’ll let you snuggle with me for ten minutes and watch “Toledo House Flip”.

Millicent: Oh, my gosh! Come on, Freddie, "Toledo House Flip"!

Mrs. Benson and Millicent run away together.

Freddie: So are we done here?

The girl hands Freddie her glass.

Freddie: Great. Thank you.

Carly: Luke, I don't normally do this on the first night, but should we go somewhere a little more comfortable?

Dream sequence.

Carly and Luke are watching TV at Harper's apartment. Carly turns to Luke.

Carly: I hope you still respect me after this. 

Luke gives Carly a confused look.

Carly: Okay. So in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups, right? There's the police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Dream sequence ends.

***

Bushwell Plaza, Harper’s apartment.

Spencer walks in. He notices Carly dusting off the countertop. Harper is on the couch drinking a mimosa.

Spencer: Carly, is that you? You’re normally catatonic until noon, when you gather enough energy to cry.

Carly puts down two mimosa glasses on the countertop.

Carly: It’s me. Help yourself to a mimosa. Pancakes are on the way.

Spencer: You made breakfast, you showered, you're happy. I’m thrilled. (turns to Harper) What’s happening?

Harper: (mouths words)

Carly: Fate. Fate is happening. Did you know I was about to leave, I set a timer, it went off, I opened the door, and there he was, Luke.

Harper: No. Ugh. (gets up from the couch) You were texting in the group chat until, like, 3:00 A.M. last night. I swore, I would never mute my bestie, but you testing me.

Freddie and Millicent walk in.

Millicent: Why does it look so nice in here?

Carly: I’m just so happy about reconnecting with Luke. Did you know I was about to leave?

Freddie, Harper, and Spencer: I set a timer, and when it went off, I opened the door, and there he was, Luke. 

Carly: Millicent doesn’t know the story.

Millicent: Don’t care.

Carly: Fine. I set a timer, then it went off, I opened the door, and there he was, Luke.

Freddie: Wait a minute. Why is there a framed picture of Luke on that table?

Carly: Oh, it's just from his Instagram. It's totally normal.

Harper: The flowers, the pancakes…

Spencer: The showering. This is too nice for us.

Carly: What? I can’t do something nice for my friends? And Beau, to prove that I won the breakup?

Freddie, Harper, and Spencer all gasp.

(SFX: Doorbell ringing.)

Harper: What have you done?

Carly: I figured, since I’m so happy and in such a good place, it’s the perfect time to reach out to... 

Carly opens the door. Beau walks in.

Carly: ...Beau.

Beau: Carly. Carly, Carly, Carly and friends. Friends, friends, friends. So excited for brunch, but first… (turns to Carly) Carly, can we talk for a sec?

Spencer: I’ll get the water.

Freddie: You got that oatmeal?

Harper: I’m going to read the newspaper.

Spencer, Freddie, and Harper walk away.

Beau: Thanks for having me over. I’m glad we can catch up because I wanted you to hear it from me first. I’m seeing someone.

Spencer, Freddie, and Harper all gasp.

Spencer: We doing eggs?

Harper: Current events.

Freddie: So creamy!

Carly: Good for you, Beau.

Beau: And we’re doing a new channel together.

Spencer, Freddie, and Harper all gasp.

Carly: Well, I’m dating someone, too. Luke. We have history. He’s a professor, so our connection is really cerebral. But also physical and emotional. All the connections you can have with a person, we have, plus more.

Carly shows Beau the framed picture of Luke.

Carly: This is his face.

Beau: That’s awesome.

Carly: It is, and we’re starting a channel together, too.

Freddie: What?!

Harper: Wow!

Spencer: I’ll change the filter.

Freddie: This is goat milk!

Harper: We don’t even get the paper.

Beau: When are you gonna drop your first video?

Carly: Uh, Friday.

Beau: Wow! We’re dropping Friday, too!

Carly: And we’re launching live.

Beau: Premiere live? That’s crazy risky. Look at you. I gotta run to the bathroom, but then I wanna hear all about this channel.

Beau runs off. Carly, feeling worried, turns to Spencer, Harper, and Freddie.

Carly: Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. Why did I just say I’m launching a channel with a total stranger?

Harper: Now wait a minute. Y'all went to camp. You two made s'mores. 

Carly: Right. We have that. You know what? This is going to totally work. Luke and I are going to kill it. 

Spencer: You will? 

Harper: Really? 

Freddie: Luke?

Carly turns to Spencer, Harper, and Freddie.

Spencer: You will. 

Harper: Really! 

Freddie: Luke!

***

Fancy restaurant.

Carly: I love this place.

Luke: Just a heads up, they only serve whey here.

Carly: Like, whey protein, that you put in a smoothie?

Luke: No, like the watery part of milk that that remains after the formation of curds. Divine mouthfeel.

Carly: Do all these people know this?

Luke: Mm. (Drinks out of glass)

Carly: So I have something really exciting to tell you—

Luke: Mm, mm, mm! Classic Seattle tap. That slightly unctuous texture.

Carly takes a sip.

Carly: Very wet. And so, I was going to tell you that—

A waiter walks up to Carly and Luke’s table with a pitcher.

Waiter: Here is our Bavarian goat whey, fermented at an altitude of just under 10,000 feet.

The waiter pours the whey into the bowls.

Waiter: Enjoy.

The waiter walks away.

Carly looks concerned.

Luke: If you get a chunk, that’s considered good luck. Bottoms up.

Carly and Luke both drink from their bowls. Carly spits out the whey.

Carly: Guess I got lucky. (chuckles) So, the thing that I was going to tell you—

Luke gargles.

Carly: I’ll wait.

Luke continues to gargle.

Carly: Yeah, we’re done.

Carly leaves.

***

Bushwell Plaza, Shays’ living room.

Harper walks in. She walks up to Spencer.

Harper: You wanted to see me?

Spencer: Yes. Okay, which one of these things can I add to the sculpture to make you like it?

Harper: Spencer, that’s not what this is— are those my sunglasses?

Spencer: Maybe, or maybe they’re art.

Harper: Oh, come on. Who cares what I think?

Spencer: Me! Me cares.

Harper: But why does “me” care? Look, just because I’m young, cool, and probably the hottest person, you’ll ever meet in real life?

Spencer: Yeah. All of those.

Harper: When you made the sculpture, you were inspired and you loved it. That’s all that matters.

Spencer: I’ll buy you a car and say you like it.

Harper: You are lucky I do not have parking.

***

Bushwell Plaza, Harper’s apartment.

Freddie hands Carly a bottle of water.

Carly: I needed this. I had discarded dairy juice for dinner.

Freddie: No way.

Carly: Yes, whey. Why did I ever think I should start a channel with Luke? Am I that desperate for a partner? (to Freddie) Don’t answer that, still talking. (sighs) I just wanna make things again.

Freddie: You don’t need a partner to do that.

Carly: Yeah, I don’t need a partner. I need Sam. But she’s off following her bliss with that biker gang.

Freddie: The Obliteraters. I hope she’s okay.

Carly: It’s Sam. I hope they’re okay. I just wish she was here so we could do “iCarly” again.

Freddie: Mm.

Carly: Do you think I could do it on my own?

Freddie: Doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what you want.

Carly: Of course I wouldn’t be completely on my own. I’d have my new producer.

Freddie: Oh, you mean me, right?

Carly: Yeah. Do you think you could shoot me using that filter that makes my cheekbones all... (puckers lips and flushes cheeks)

Freddie: That filter that makes you look like an alien? 

Carly: A sexy alien.

Freddie: Sure. I guess there’s just one more question. 

Carly: If Spencer ever got around to building that home gym.

***

Carly, Freddie, and Spencer ride the elevator to the old iCarly set.

Spencer: I was never going to use a home gym.

Carly walks around and gets scared by marionettes. She screams.

Spencer: Ah, that’s right. I forgot about my marionette making phase. I keep them up here, because it’s away from the knives.

Freddie: Mm, why does that one look like Carly? 

Spencer: I made one that looks like you too, Freddie, but I sold it to Nora Dershlit.

Carly: Is this a good idea? I mean, what would I even do on the show? Old goofy stuff, new sophisticated stuff?

Freddie: Just find something that makes you smile. Go from there.

Carly: Those dachshunds always made me smile. Who put those up there? 

Spencer: I've never seen those before in my life.

Carly looks through a box. She takes out a hat and a fake mustache.

Carly: Aw. The Idiot Farm Girl. You know what? This really does look like a squirrel.

Carly takes out two colored sacks.

Carly: Oh, my God! The Sack. These were so fun.

Freddie: Yeah, until Sam superglued my drawstring closed and left me here overnight.

Spencer: Yeah. That was a rough night for me too. He would not stop screaming.

Carly takes out a bra.

Carly: George, The Bra Who Told Ghost Stories. I never did grow into you. 

Freddie: See, you came up with all of this stuff when you were a kid. Imagine what you can do now.

Spencer: And we’ll help with however we can.

Carly: I’m really glad to hear you say that, because...

Carly takes Spencer’s hand and shows him something hiding under a sheet. She removes the sheet to reveal a blue crib.

Carly: I thought it might still be here.

Spencer: Damn it.

Freddie chuckles.

Carly: We’re back.

***

Bushwell Plaza, iCarly set.

Freddie is getting ready to film.

Freddie: In five, four, three, two...

Carly: Welcome to the new iCarly.

Harper: Ooh, looks like she already got a few viewers.

Millicent: Probably bots from Brazil.

Carly: This is still iCarly, but it’s grown-up now. So today I thought I’d share my skincare routine. According to the many, many targeted ads I get, it’s never too early to start using… (removes a sheet to reveal lots of serums and creams) anti-aging products! Even for Baby Spencer.

Camera pans to Spencer, whose head is popping out of a hole in a crib. Glued to the crib is a bonnet and a baby doll body.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) Yay! That’s me!

Carly: None of these products were tested on animals, just one tiny little, lucky infant. (pinches Spencer’s cheeks)

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) Oh, I feel lucky. In no way am I worried.

Carly: (laughs) Here we go. (splatters cream on Spencer’s face)

Freddie: Oh, I think he needs a lot more.

Carly: (rubs cream on Spencer’s face) Some more?

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) No, that’s enough already. Aah! I don’t think this is how you do it.

Carly: I love this serum. I actually panic-bought it when I was at a 7-Eleven and the guy there called me ma’am.

Harper: I don’t even know what he’s so upset about. I pay people to do this to me.

Carly: They say that by the time you need skin care, it’s already too late, but you should still spend all your money on it. And in the end, it’s just an expensive reminder we’re all going to die someday.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) That’s a little emo for a comedy show, don’t you think?

Carly: Sheet mask. (puts sheet mask on Spencer’s face)

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) What?

Carly: Yep, here you go.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) Ah! No!

Millicent: People are weirdly loving this.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) I’m totally hating it!

Carly: Enough of that, baby. And now, we’re just going to... (rubs sponge on Spencer)

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) That’s cold.

Carly: Rub it all in.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) I don’t like that feeling!

Carly: And we’re going to absorb...

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) Ow.

Carly: All the moisturizer.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) It’s cold.

Carly: You ready for the lip mask?

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) Oh, I don’t know what it is, but I am.

Carly brings out the lip mask.

Carly: Right here.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) Okay.

Carly: Okay, you’re going to want to keep your mouth nice and shut.

Spencer: (as Baby Spencer) That sounds good.

Carly puts the lip mask on Spencer.

Carly: This lip mask is actually made out of laundry detergent.

Spencer spits out the lip mask.

Carly: Kinda seems like we never left.

***

Bushwell Plaza, Shays’ living room.

Spencer: A toast to my sister Carly.

Freddie, Harper, Millicent: To Carly.

Spencer: Also, I decided not to call the Jonas people. Let someone else have the world record. It’s not why I made the sculpture, and it’s not why I love it.

Harper: Still not for me.

Spencer: Damn it.

Freddie: I think the sculpture is great. Do all the pieces still move?

Spencer: You tell me.

Spencer presses a button on a remote. The pieces on the sculpture start to whir and clatter. Electricity started to crackle before the sculpture started to catch on fire.

Freddie runs away.

Harper: (slowly claps, gets up) I… I love it.

Spencer: You do?

Harper: Absolutely. It’s about setting your own self on fire and then rebuilding from the ashes like a phoenix.

Spencer: If you want to oversimplify it, sure.

Harper: You know, you really had me going with the whole world record thing. But I guess that was just a part of it. (hits Spencer’s shoulder) Performance art.

Harper slowly walks up to the flaming sculpture.

Carly puts her drink down and gets up from the couch.

Carly: It wasn’t supposed to catch on fire, was it?

Spencer: Never is.

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